Have you ever felt the weight of the world on your shoulders, not from your own dreams, but from the expectations of everyone around you? This episode peels back the layers of obligation and reveals the personal cost of shouldering them.
Navigating the minefield of relationships often means confronting the silent contracts we never signed up for. In heartfelt conversations, we delve into the complexities of societal norms. This episode isn't about assigning blame but about understanding the origins of expectations, their impact on our autonomy, and the power of saying 'no'. Through a mix of reflection and revelation, we dissect the signs of unhealthy demands in relationships and the liberating realization that not every call for our attention must be answered.
In this heart-to-heart, we not only dissect the problem but also chart a course toward self-preservation and balance. You'll join us as we journey from people pleasers to boundary setters, unearthing the tools that helped us prioritize our well-being and realign our lives with our true selves. Discover the importance of transparent communication, and how it can lead to more genuine connections and a more authentic existence. By the end, you'll be better equipped to navigate the expectations of others and a renewed appreciation for the art of self-care, empowering you to support those you love without losing yourself.
Follow the journey:
Instagram: @noirpoisedpodcast
Youtube: @noirpoisedpodcast
Have you ever felt the weight of the world on your shoulders, not from your own dreams, but from the expectations of everyone around you? This episode peels back the layers of obligation and reveals the personal cost of shouldering them.
Navigating the minefield of relationships often means confronting the silent contracts we never signed up for. In heartfelt conversations, we delve into the complexities of societal norms. This episode isn't about assigning blame but about understanding the origins of expectations, their impact on our autonomy, and the power of saying 'no'. Through a mix of reflection and revelation, we dissect the signs of unhealthy demands in relationships and the liberating realization that not every call for our attention must be answered.
In this heart-to-heart, we not only dissect the problem but also chart a course toward self-preservation and balance. You'll join us as we journey from people pleasers to boundary setters, unearthing the tools that helped us prioritize our well-being and realign our lives with our true selves. Discover the importance of transparent communication, and how it can lead to more genuine connections and a more authentic existence. By the end, you'll be better equipped to navigate the expectations of others and a renewed appreciation for the art of self-care, empowering you to support those you love without losing yourself.
Follow the journey:
Instagram: @noirpoisedpodcast
Youtube: @noirpoisedpodcast
Welcome to the Noir po Police Podcast, where wisdom is power is more than just a motto.
Sam:It's our way of life. While we don't claim to have all the answers, we're dedicated to delving deeper into different topics through meaningful conversations. As a duo, we bring different viewpoints to the table, enriching our joint journey towards growth and poise.
Ruth:Join us as we explore and unlearn to relearn, while striving to navigate life with poise.
Sam:Growing up in ministry, I was fortunate enough to meet a lot of great people. There was this one particular leader that was speaking to us. One day. He said something that at the moment I didn't understand, but later on, over the course of many years, I ended up understanding. He described how he was burnt out. He was burnt out because of the expectation placed on him.
Sam:Obviously, I was a lot younger. I didn't really have much personally going on. I'll never forget when he said that, I ignorantly thought to myself I could never get there. It wasn't until I grew up and I started getting my own responsibilities and more responsibilities were being placed on me in church, at home, in school, working, internships, just navigating life that I began to understand what he said about being burnt out because of the expectations that were placed on him. One of the hardest things to do, my opinion, is juggle what you want to do with the expectations or the things that other people want you to do or the pressure that they place on you, because obviously you don't want to fail anyone, let alone your loved ones. You don't want to disappoint anyone, but I was surprised at how difficult it was to do that in adulthood.
Ruth:Why surprised?
Sam:Part of it is ego. I thought I could do it all. Most people growing up, you're young, you think I'm going to be able to do X, Y, Z by the time I'm 20, 25 years old, and once you realize how hard it is just to navigate your own life without the outside interruptions, adding those factors of people putting pressure on you to do things or to help them out, it made everything 10 times worse. There was a point where I actually started resenting people because of that fact, because I felt burnt out, not necessarily from what I'm doing on my own, but from the pressure that others are putting on me.
Ruth:Do you think it's because you were doing things that maybe you didn't actually desire doing? I don't think so.
Sam:I think that could be part of the answer, but I think it was more so. I was being used as a resource unnecessarily.
Ruth:So mainly the responsibilities that came along with the expectations that people had. The responsibilities.
Sam:I think, of course, I'm only human, we're only human. There's only but so much you could do during the day, and once a loved one puts a problem on you, or once you see something that needs to be done, you have to put whatever you wanted to do on the side. And then oftentimes, it's never just one time, it's never just one thing, it's a domino fact. So I think that was what led to that.
Ruth:Right, I see what you're saying. The reason why I asked you if it was things that you actually desired to do or if it was things that others desired you to do only is because I feel like there's expectations of self, expectations of others and then expectations from others, however that may look like, whether it's high expectations, low expectations or what you just stated like responsibilities just people having an expectation for you to continue to play a part and, based on what you're saying, it sounds like that's what that was.
Sam:Yeah, I would definitely say that there was a lot of high expectation of me, and I think a lot of it is warranted. I don't blame people for having certain expectations, because I personally believe that people genuinely want the best for you, but unfortunately, what they see as the best for you is not what you may see as the best for yourself Right?
Ruth:I hear you on that. I read this statement that said that when people have unrealistic expectations or, in your case, high expectations of others, it's because they tend to mirror their own expectations onto others. Does that make sense? Yeah, yeah. So I feel like a lot of times people will do that, especially loved ones, whether that's parents, siblings, significant others, and I think specifically parents. If I think of my own experience, they place certain expectations on you because of what role you play in the family, their view of you as a person. Sometimes, I think, when we take on a certain role, people continue to expect us to play that role and not recognize that it doesn't have to be a continuous thing. So I think that's probably what it is. When it comes to the responsibilities that are expected of us.
Sam:I think what makes that a problem for most people is not just having responsibility placed on you, but having hope placed on you.
Sam:That's a good one because with my family we all share different responsibilities, so I'm known as the responsible one. But one time my sister and I were having a conversation and she said do you notice that if my brother or my sister spoke to my parents about finances, they would not listen, but if I spoke to them about finances they would listen. And there's other topics where if I spoke to them about, whatever the topic might be, they won't listen, but they'll listen to my sister. So we all shared some kind of responsibility. But what was detrimental to me is when they came to me with problems and saying if you don't solve this, we don't know what we're gonna do. And I think that's when the expectation then becomes burdensome, because now you have the pressure of it's either I figure it out or things will get worse.
Ruth:And that's what I'm curious about. That sounds more like you played a role. You succeeded at it. They then continue to view you as the person who should continue playing in that role. That's what that sounds like to me.
Sam:Does that?
Ruth:make sense. Yeah, because I feel like, okay, yeah, you do something one time, you did a great cool. But especially with parents, what they tend to do, especially when there's multiple siblings, they cling to the child that is willing to get the job done the right way. They don't try to go to others. They'll naturally just realize, okay, well, when I ask so-and-so this, she tends to do it well, she tends to do it immediately or she tends to do it beyond my expectations. So naturally they cling to that specific child. When they need something done and I feel like that happens in different type of relationships, not just parent-child People will have expectations of others based on what that person has already provided.
Ruth:Sometimes, of course, there are situations where people just have unrealistic expectations, and that's an internal thing.
Ruth:But I feel like there's times where people will paint an image of what they're capable of doing or what they can provide or what they can service, and the other person will naturally place them in that particular role until the end of time and they continue to have that expectation.
Ruth:If you're someone who always shows up, they're going to continue to have the expectation of you to show up.
Ruth:If you always get the job done, they're gonna have the expectation of you to get the job done, and I don't think there's anything necessarily wrong with that. But it's wrong when it becomes burdensome, like you just said, or if the other party who's having the expectations put on them is not vocal. To express that it's too much, because if you don't say something they're not gonna know. And then also the person who's putting the expectations should be able to recognize when they're maybe taking advantage of someone right. So that's why I think it's important to be able to differentiate between what's a realistic expectation and what's unrealistic, based on how you've operated with that particular person and based on whether what they're expecting of you is just or borderline, kind of abusive or being taken advantage of right. So being able to recognize some of the signs of how that's determined and how it may affect you is important. For example, what you just mentioned makes me think of the amount of pressure that's added onto that person.
Sam:When you're burnt out, it's due to the amount of overwhelmingness and the pressure that you feel because of the responsibilities that are placed on you, Unfortunately, no matter how great some people can be or people can be in general, I've learned that people want you to live the life they have for you, versus the life you want for yourself. That maximizes the burden of what people expect you to do. For example, again, I grew up in church. I preached a lot, I led services, I taught Sunday school. So naturally and I totally understand this People expected me to become whether it's a pastor or do ministry full-time. And since I was a kid, to be honest with you, I never wanted to do it full-time. I was happy to do it at that time because during that moment God called me to do it, but I knew it was something that I didn't want to do full-time. And it's mainly because, to be quite honest, I saw that the life of a minister you would have to sacrifice everything and I wanted a family.
Sam:And I didn't think it would be fair to leave my family two o'clock in the morning to go somewhere and do whatever I need to do. But nonetheless, that pressure was still put on me and I remember when I finally started to say no or give the signs that I'm not going down that route, people started to switch up on me.
Ruth:Interesting.
Sam:Yeah, and unfortunately the church has a reputation of being very judgmental. I've seen it many times when there might be someone that hasn't gone to church maybe two, three months, and they come one Sunday and people are giving them a side eye and making like, oh, what are you doing, right, making smart comments.
Sam:And I think the moment it clicks for me that I need to stop letting that expectation control me is when I stopped going for a little bit, or I wasn't as active as I used to be, and people started doing that towards me. And I think that's one of the signs that you know whether the expectation people put on you is healthy versus unhealthy. It's If you decide not to do what they're expecting you to do. How do people react? That's really good, because if they really care for you, they're always going to be there. They're always going to show that.
Ruth:That's right.
Sam:The treatment doesn't change, right if the moment you say I'm not going to live my life the way you expect me to live my life if they start to change that, you know that the Expectation there is unhealthy.
Ruth:That's the thing about the pressure that's added when you're trying to live up to an expectation that you have you're getting from someone else is you don't recognize how much self-neglect occurs in the process until it's probably too late.
Ruth:Or you're at the point where now you have to make a decision where I'm either going to to either greatly disappoint this person, place or Thing, whatever the case is, or I'm going to have to sacrifice my desires and what I want to do right. So that's a good Identifier, in my opinion, that, along with in situations where people have expectations of you and they see the effects of the expectations in the sense of responsibility let's say, parents have expectations of a child where they're requiring this child to take care of situations consistently, or whatever it may be. But point is responsibility and you express, or they notice, the Overwhelmingness that you feel, or maybe it's anxiety, or maybe it's fatigue. It can show in different forms. If that person Recognizes the effects that their expectation is having on you and they're unfazed or unbothered by it, but instead they're throwing more at you or they're not trying to compromise or meet you in the middle, I think that's an eye-opener as well.
Sam:That's when you kind of have to realize, like they're looking out for themselves, they're not looking out for me and it's it's kind of hard to balance because I feel like the people who are more likely to put you in those situations are the people who you can't ever leave, so they're loved ones. You know people who you probably see on a daily basis yeah, bases or communicate with, so it's difficult to manage that when You're actively seeing the person.
Ruth:Yeah, that's facts. Because my experience with this, to be honest with you, like at least the experience that Matters to me the most because obviously, yeah, in my career there were certain expectations that were unrealistic and burnt out. Same, when it came to ministry, there were expectations that are naturally put on you at a young age. Putting you know a young child in leadership alone is just that's an unrealistic expectation, if we're honest. Those were all you know certain examples, but the ones that I can think of that impacted me the most, like you said, is from loved ones is when the expectation Is coming from someone that you care about deeply and you know this person is here for the long run. You're not going to shudden them out of your life. It could be a parent, it could be a sibling, it could be, you know, just a family member or even someone in a relationship.
Ruth:And that's the thing about Expectations when it comes to societal norms is because sometimes the person who has the expectation on you Doesn't recognize that those expectations they're placing on you are not even their own. Yeah, it's coming from what society has implanted into their minds or what tradition or culture tells you that this is what should occur. People often fail to look at where some of these expectations are stemming from, and that's always been my main issue with it is that it's often not even the expectations that that loved one wants from you. It's expectations that are placed on them to put on you, so they're just passing the buck.
Sam:In essence, exactly.
Ruth:Yes, exactly so. For example, being a daughter in a Caribbean family, there are certain expectations that are placed on us that it just doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense. And if you ask your parents why or for what, it's all about people pleasing, it's all about how they'll be viewed in their community or how it will look to this particular person. That's usually what it is, unfortunately, like. Little examples like that, or even the man versus woman role in a marriage. Right, I'm sure there's things your parents told you when getting married.
Sam:There's things my mom told me when getting married, we all was just like well, we're, we're making our relationship our own right.
Ruth:You know what I mean? Something simple as like making sure there's a hot meal every day. I mean, I Personally enjoy catering in that way. I enjoy cooking and being the one to you know, fix your plate and stuff like that. But there are times where you want to cook something. I'm like cool, yeah, please do you know, or we're both busy, it's a hectic day and you happen to come out and put your own food on a plate that is frowned upon in our culture.
Sam:I had to learn that the hard way. Any time we go to your mom's house and your aunts are around.
Ruth:Yeah, they look at you sideways like he's right his food. I'm still like what?
Sam:it was wrong with your legs.
Ruth:Yeah, and the crazy part is 98% of the time I'm doing it yeah but they don't even leave Space for the 2% right. So it's a little expectations like that that I feel like are put on us, and it's mainly people pleasing. Yeah, you know what I mean. They don't want to upset or disappoint their community. That, I think, are.
Sam:Ridiculous. It also makes me think of when we were getting married.
Ruth:Mm-hmm.
Sam:We didn't want a wedding. Yeah, we literally did a small ceremony at home with a handful of people right immediate family. But the pressure, yeah, that was put on us, yeah, throughout that whole entire time, was insane insane at that point in time.
Sam:The Expectation that they put on us just so they can please their friends or whoever they had in mind, was so unreal, and one thing that struck me that at that time was how people were willing to disregard yep, that it was our day like they say and we vocalize right too, we vocalize things.
Ruth:And still it was all about how things would look.
Sam:It wasn't considered the norm it wasn't considered the norm, and I remember just thinking why don't people understand this? Why is it that we have to live by your expectation versus our, our own desires? And I'm glad that we were on the same page because shortly after that, covid happened.
Ruth:Yep, I was just about to say that everybody we know who got married after us did the same right damn so actually goes to show why you shouldn't live under the pressure of others.
Sam:Yeah, just do what you think is best, but I thought it was so unfair how our desires were totally disregarded, and I think that's one of the signs of whether the expectation that someone has for you is healthy or not is if they're willing to completely disregard, right, what you think or what you want yeah, like there's no compromise.
Ruth:Like I mentioned earlier, I feel like people who care about you when they're setting certain expectations on you. If they recognize that that expectation is making you feel uncomfortable, making you feel uneasy or, you know, overwhelming you, naturally they should take a step back and compromise. There can be some form of communication where you can meet in the middle, depending on what the situation is, because the example we just gave you kind of just have to push back and let them do what they want to do because it's their situation.
Sam:But I feel like in situations like that, where people are not willing to understand you or willing to put their feelings or if their desires aside, that's when I think it's obviously unhealthy, yeah, and I would add to that when someone would rather you do things for them versus you teach them how to do things, I believe that's also one of the signs where it's getting a little abusive or unhealthy. I can think of so many different situations where I was under the impression that I'm doing something for someone because they're unable to right and then I find out no, they can they just don't
Ruth:want to that sounds like a parent child situation, if you ask me it, it.
Sam:It is a parent child situation, but it's happened so many other times where you, you start to pick up. Okay, now, at this point, I'm just convenient right for you right where you're asking me to abandon my own plans so that I can do something for you when you can clearly do it for yourself for yourself.
Ruth:That's real. So obviously this is something we're still dealing with. We're still learning how to cope with the expectations and the pressures that are placed on us from others. We don't have all the answers, we're still trying to figure it out, but what would you say so far, based on your experience? What impacts were had when you're unable to meet someone's expectations, or even unwilling to meet someone's expectations?
Sam:it's had a lot of negative impact that I'm still trying to work through. One of the things that would happen was I would have to. I would deal with a lot of sadness because you feel like you failed. It's one thing if you mess up and you're sad because you know you made a mistake. I think it's a different level of sadness when you feel like you've disappointed others. It's also made me retreat or isolate myself more.
Sam:It kind of made me feel that I could never be happy to be quite honest with you because it seems like someone is always adding pressure randomly too, like it could be one person this month and then another person next month and it just makes you wonder okay, this has been happening my entire life, right? Maybe this is what life is. Maybe I'll never have the opportunity to not deal with any high expectation from others and I don't want to make it sound like I never expect to have high expectations on me, but again we're talking about the negative impact, so unhealthy expectations and that's what I'm really getting at is I appreciate having higher expectations of me, because I think that's a sign of it shows that you're doing something right, if people are able to look towards you.
Sam:People trust you, yeah you're a trustworthy source or you're capable, but I think the problem comes when that expectation now becomes a job an obligation an obligation, perfect, that expectation becomes an obligation. So it made me feel sad. It made me feel, it made me angry, because I thought that life was just unfair yeah, I'm trying to do everything I need to do to better my life, and now I have to carry other people's responsibilities or other people's expectations.
Sam:So I dealt with it a lot and, in summary, it made me someone that wanted to live in the dark, that wanted to be unseen, that wanted to be unreachable, that wanted to not have to deal with the outside world. Right, it came to a point where if I walked to my phone and I saw zero notifications, I would be happy.
Sam:Yeah, because I know at least it's not anything negative coming towards me of as far as expectation being based on me and lastly, to add to that, it made me suppress my own goals and desires because I was always looking to accomplish someone else's goals. And one thing that I started to hate. I've heard this at home, I've heard this in church, out out of church, where expectations were placed on me in a negative way, they would simply say the term God will bless you for this yeah, it's their way of saying I can't do nothing for you, but thanks and I get that and of course, the more blessings the better.
Sam:But I started to realize that people would use that as a IOU or blank check like yeah, do the streaming guess what guys gonna take care of you.
Ruth:Don't take, god's gonna bless you.
Sam:So just go ahead and break your back. Go ahead and focus on my issues and situations and God will take care of the rest for you. I literally started to hate that that term because I saw how misused it was. Here I'm helping you do something and I'm suppressing my own goals and desires, because now I don't have time to focus on my goals and desires and you're telling me don't worry about it, god's gonna bless you that's the go-to phrase.
Ruth:It's funny. But it's not funny because it happens so often. You know what I mean. But in what you were saying I find it interesting because I I kind of heard a little bit of the people policing aspect come out of you as you were speaking. But one of the things I wanted to mention well, I think I mentioned one of the things I mentioned earlier was how it can lead to the neglect of self where you're naturally putting other people's issues and situations before yours and you just kind of confirmed it with suppressing your goals and desires. And I think there's different, there's two parts to that, because it depends on the person's personality.
Ruth:In your situation, I do think you have a people-pleasing trait.
Ruth:So for someone with your character, naturally that's what's going to happen, because you naturally put people before you. In a situation like this, where now people are having expectations that you feel are becoming obligations, it makes sense that you would naturally start to neglect yourself and not recognize it in the process. But there are people who can kind of create a boundary where they know to put themselves first and even in situations where they're putting themselves first, there's still that heavy pressure of the expectation from others. So it's interesting to hear you say that, because I know that about you. But then I also know people who deal with similar situations and I'm like but they're not people pleasers yet they still feel that same pressure. So clearly it's a general thing. When people put expectations on you that are unrealistic, there's a sense of like Dad, now I gotta put my plans aside, or now I gotta delay them further, or now I have to focus on what you're going through, and it always comes from people that you love and care about.
Sam:It's never.
Ruth:Just it's not strangers or coworkers or whatever the case is. It's always like parents, siblings, close friends, people that you're in a relationship with, so on and so forth.
Sam:Yeah, I would definitely agree with that. I do have a people pleasing trait, I don't know. I think that's the way you phrase it.
Ruth:Yeah, it could be wrong, but that was how it played in my mind.
Sam:I do have that personality where if I see the option to make someone happy, I want to do it, which I think is great. But just like with everything else, it should be balanced and taking accountability. I understand that there's certain situations I found myself in.
Ruth:I put myself there because of that, people pleasing characteristic where I didn't have to volunteer Right glad you said that I didn't have to cancel my plans, or change my plans, but I decided to do it, maybe once, maybe twice, and it naturally became a trend became a habit, and that's one thing that I had to learn is I can help control what others expect from me by drawing a line Right.
Sam:It doesn't have to be every time someone comes to me. The answer is automatically yes.
Ruth:Not too long ago, you said that there's times you would come to your phone and you would see no notifications and it would bring you some form of joy because you're just like great, I ain't got nothing to do with nobody today, kind of thing. And it made me think of the fact that sometimes it can also cause you to not feel comfortable expressing things to your loved ones and those that are around you. Expressing things in a sense of positive wins right, because if people are expecting you to do certain things for them or play a certain role in their life and let's say, you're not willing to do those things but you're doing things for yourself, it can become difficult to express wins on your side or express joys. Because I know we've dealt with that and I've heard other people deal with that too. People will deal with it with parents or siblings, where it's just like they don't feel comfortable expressing things that just happen for them because that particular person has an expectation from them.
Sam:I think so many people live that way, unfortunately. Yeah, even us. Like there's the most simple things, we'll budget for an entire year to go on a small vacation they're like, ooh, you traveling a lot, huh.
Ruth:And we're like, no, we're planning a lot though.
Sam:But in the back of our mind, at least for me. I've always been worried about the impression I'm giving certain people. I hear you, especially when it comes to finances. I never want people to think that we just got it like that where we're able to just go on vacation.
Sam:The reality is we plan for this for like a whole year to be able to do that. But I remember having the feeling that I know I'm going away in a month, but I'm too uncomfortable to say anything right now because I know it's going to give you a false impression of the life that I'm living, of the life that I'm living and it may cause you to increase your expectation of me, and I've actually heard that other people say that as well where they're doing something.
Sam:They're doing something, or, like us, they go on a vacation and they feel like they're going to get judged by it.
Sam:And it's like almost like a sense of guilt too sometimes, and it sucks that unfortunately, people have to live that way. We've said that we're adults now and we're still having to go through mental gymnastics before we do something that we want to do because of the expectation that's placed on us and you kind of said it earlier as well where something as simple as us being around your family, or even my family, just having a simple, enjoyable evening. Now you have to go through the mental gymnastics of I gotta make sure I put food on the plate for him, I gotta make sure I bring him his plate. We've had this conversation so many times where I don't like to eat a large portion at once.
Ruth:No man, this thing, let me tell you. But because of the pressure, or the expectation, Let me just give a disclaimer before you continue, because some people are gonna listen and be like wait, huh, we are Haitian.
Sam:Continue, okay so Even I think people from just generally Caribbean will get this as well Caribbean people, okay, Caribbean people. But when we're at home, you put the right amount. When you're putting food, I tell you all the time I would rather get up and get seconds than pack my plate at once. But whenever we're around family, I expect a large, the largest plate that I've had in months to be put in front of me, because I know if you don't do that, you're going to be judged More so.
Ruth:Not necessarily be judged, because that is what it was in the beginning, but I'm a vulva into this. I don't give a damn attitude, but more so. I will be watched as I'm doing it and then be told put some more. Why aren't you putting enough? Put some more. So it's not even like oh yeah, I put it on the plate and they're looking at me like why didn't you give him enough? It's more so. No, they're standing next to me and they're telling me you better feed him. He's at my house, kind of situation.
Sam:That's the type of behavior that occurs and something as simple as that, you'd be surprised. Oh, I'm sure you won't be surprised, because you could relate but could ruin an evening.
Ruth:Because it's annoying. Because then you're annoyed because they're doing that and I'm annoyed because I'm like I gotta stuff my face with this food and I hate that feeling of that was literally like the whole first year of our marriage going back to my mom's house to visit.
Ruth:Every single time it never failed, and I was just like, at this point I'm tired, but what you were saying earlier before that story, what I wanted to say about that was, realistically, we don't have to care, like we really don't, like who cares? Yeah, I'm going on 10 vacations, and not that we went on 10 vacations. That would be nice, but let's say that was the case, like that's the part of expectations from others that I'm trying to get through now is the I don't care what you have to say and what you think and what your expectations of me are. It's difficult because of our personality, right, then? That's why I said trying to get to, but, realistically, we don't have to care.
Sam:The problem with us, though, is we care too much and quick shout out to the youngest siblings out there who have perfected the. I don't care.
Ruth:I don't care. Seriously, sometimes I'm like, damn, I wish I was a younger sibling. They are so bold, they're just like yeah, I watched you get yelled at. Now. I mean, we took the blame already.
Sam:So it was like I could do it now.
Ruth:I could do it and then some, but yeah, we really don't have to care. Now I kind of try to tell myself, like, where do I draw the line between pressures being put on me and I'm putting pressure on myself? Because I think, with the take accountability aspect of it, at some point you have to set boundaries. And in setting boundaries you have to recognize if I allow this person, or whatever it is, to put pressure on me in regards to the expectations that they have of me, then I'm low key, putting pressure on myself, and I'm You're enabling yeah, I'm enabling it. So that's why I'm kind of at with it where I hear what expectations people have of me or whatever the case is, and I'm just like listen, I do what I can with what I got, and if I can't do it, then I can't do it, and if I also don't want to do it, it's that simple, I don't want to do it.
Sam:I think that's the tricky part, because how do you make yourself not care, truly not care? I think that's the problem I'm having. I don't think you ever not care.
Ruth:Based on my experience. I'm speaking from my perspective because, like we just said, I'm someone who always cared too much. Like I cared what people had to say, I cared how it made this person feel, even at moments when I knew I was right, I'm like dang, I upset that person and I care about that person. So I'll reverse and be like let me make it up to them, or you know little things like that. And I had to catch myself because I started recognizing that I was neglecting self and one thing I decided to do. The past, I'd say what.
Ruth:Four to five years was set strict boundaries for myself. Even in moments when, like I know I can do something or I want to do it, if I process in my mind that it is not fair to me, even if I'm capable of doing it, even if I wanna do it, I try to be really strict with myself and I tell myself no, you're available that day and you don't wanna go to that event. No, simple, it's that simple. You know what I mean. Like, if it's not a realistic expectation or if it's even something that's not beneficial to your wellbeing, at some point you have to draw the line and put your priorities first, because clearly everyone else is doing the same thing.
Ruth:When people have those high, unrealistic expectations of you and it's in the case where they recognize that it's affecting you negatively and continue to do so anyway they're putting their priorities first. Yeah, very true. They're looking at what they need versus what's beneficial for you. So at some point you have to take accountability and look at yourself and be strict enough to say, even if I do still care, I have to make this decision to benefit me in the long run. And that's how I look at it, cause everything that I say no to now, bro, I still care. I care too much. You know that, like I'll literally say no to something, I'm like, oh man, that person's going to feel this, that and the third, or that they may need help at this specific event, and I'm just like no, because what happens is when you keep on setting that trend, you can't be mad at people for following that trend line. That's just what it is. You know what I mean.
Sam:And one of the interesting takeaways from what you just said is if you find yourself in that position where people are putting that expectation on you and you find it hard to say no, I had to realize that the world is not going to end if I don't meet the expectation Right. Subconsciously, for some reason, I had the thought that if I don't do whatever it is they need me to do, then all is lost. It sounds dramatic, but I think people who find themselves under the boot of other people's expectation, that's the mentality you have, where if I don't do it, the world is over. They depend on me, they count on me, like you just mentioned. With the event in your mind, you're thinking man, this person needs help. They're going to need help setting up or breaking down. Well, meanwhile, guess what?
Ruth:They got 10 other people to help.
Sam:Not only that, but whether you're there or not, the event's going to happen and it's going to happen great, they're not going to be blowing up your phone, saying we need help doing this. So it's definitely a mental shift that you have to make to first understand whether something is a want or a need, and I think once you start to understand that, like you said, you'll always care, but you'll be in a better position to understand when something should be done or when something shouldn't be done.
Ruth:Right, exactly To piggyback on what you said, because I also learned that sometimes, while people have expectations from you, even when you don't meet the expectation, they'll find someone else to meet it for them. In a lot of cases that happens you may not be able to commit to that event or do that specific thing for someone, and they will find someone else to fulfill the job for them because they need it done. You know what I mean. We sometimes put that pressure on ourselves, like I said, and we have this mindset that if we don't do it, it won't get done, when in reality, that person will figure it out. If they really want that specific thing done, they will figure it out. So to me, it's all about knowing how to break the cycle, and in doing that, you have to take accountability for what part of the issue is your fault.
Ruth:Some of the things that I found helpful was placing myself in the perspective of the other person, people who have expectations of me.
Ruth:Trying to put myself in their perspective to understand the reasoning why they have that, because sometimes we think it's like oh yeah, they're mistreating me, they're taking advantage of me, they're not considering how I feel.
Ruth:Like we said before, sometimes it's because they're putting their trust in you.
Ruth:It's often a positive reasoning on why they're expecting such high things from you. So I feel like for me when I recognize that it made me look at the situation a little bit different, not look at it in the sense of, oh, I'll do it because it's a positive thing, but more so it helped me not resent the person or not be upset at them or upset at the situation in general, and it made me look more at myself, on what I can do, what I can change to then get a different reaction from that particular person. And then again, like we always say, having a transparent conversation, because oftentimes people don't know what they're doing to you emotionally. So in situations where you haven't had a conversation yet, I feel like you have to have one If it's a loved one and you feel like this person will be in the picture long term. Have an honest conversation and express what it is they make you feel, or at least what it is you feel in regards to how they view you or what they expect of you.
Sam:You'd be surprised about the messaging that you're sending out there, because I know for myself, whenever I would meet someone's expectation, I would always show that I was happy to do it, which I was. And I had to understand that I'm sending mixed messages out there because I'm showing you that I'm happy to do it for you. But internally, although I am happy that I was able to make you happy, I'm still frustrated because I had to suppress my goals and desires to make your expectation. So I had to tell myself be conscious of the messaging that I'm putting out there. I don't wanna show someone, or you don't wanna show someone, that you enjoy meeting their expectation when in reality you don't.
Sam:So, that definitely goes in with the accountability.
Ruth:Right, I agree with that. And then also I think you said this earlier asking if something is a necessity, if it's essential, if it's a life or death situation or whatever the case is, because sometimes we just constantly keep doing things because, oh yeah, it's just a small little thing, oh yeah, they just need me to do this, this tiny little errand for them, or maybe just pay this small bill, and these small little things start to pick up and add up and they become detrimental to your plans. And your day For me was self-reflection, recognizing the whole people pleasing thing, because, similar to you, I am a recovering people pleaser. I'm a recovering people pleaser and I think that comes naturally when you care too much about things that you really shouldn't always care about, caring about people's thoughts and their opinions and their views, so on and so forth. It's not healthy. And recognizing that I had that issue was very helpful, because then it made me almost not trust myself when I'm willing to do something for someone, because I realized that I then asked myself questions before I said yes to a particular favor or a particular thing that someone wanted me to do. I was always responding quickly or there's nothing wrong with saying I'll get back to you. I'll let you know if that will work out. I'll check my calendar, because you don't have to always say yes, and that was my problem If I knew for a fact I was available on the day, whether I wanted to do it or not.
Ruth:I'm available on the day, so I should do it. That's how I looked at it, when, in reality, you don't have to do anything that you do not want to do, regardless of if the person needs you. Now, of course, there's times where you make sacrifices for loved ones. I'm all for that. But in a situation where you are constantly being put in a position where pressure is being added to you or responsibilities are being put on you and it's detrimental to your mental health and your emotional wellbeing or your physical health, then you kind of have to make those tough decisions and differentiate what it is you want to actually do. If you don't want to do something, don't do it, period. That's how I look at it now, and it definitely won't be easy.
Ruth:Right.
Sam:There are times when I said no to people and it was killing me inside. But one thing I have to repeatedly tell myself is no one is coming to save me from my problems If I don't do what God puts in my heart. Because I'm focusing on meeting everyone else's expectation, no one can vouch for me. When, if God talks to me and says what have you done with the project I gave you? No one can speak up and say sorry, god, you know he was handling this for me and God looked at them like okay, it's cool, it's okay.
Ruth:Oh, okay, no problem Right.
Sam:And also when I lay my head on my pillow every night. I have to face the reality of my own decisions, and I cannot blame other people for not taking the right actions on my part. So it's not easy, but one thing that I've consistently done is weigh out the overall pros and cons, because I mean not to throw scripture in here, but yeah, I mean you was preaching all I don't know if it's because you mentioned ministry in the beginning you was going back to preachers saying I was like okay, but when the scripture says what does it profit a man if he shall gain the whole world but lose his own soul?
Sam:I take that to heart, even in this situation where what does it really profit you if you're saving everyone else but you can't even save yourself? Save yourself, thanks, and you'll be surprised at how much of a better impact you'll be when you're living in your own authenticity. You may think to yourself that you're allowing your loved ones to go down the wrong route, or you're failing them, or whatever it might be, but in you doing what you need to do, you're being more of an inspiration to them.
Ruth:Yes, and I that's something that's big. That's something we've been talking about a lot lately.
Sam:I've said this to you before where there was a message I heard as a kid and it always stuck with me and the title of the sermon was Getting in God's Way, and it was about how a lot of times we see a loved one in trouble or a loved one in a situation and we're so quick to rescue them that we don't stop to think God has them in that situation so they can learn Right. So by you always intervening and trying to save the day you're preventing them from learning that lesson.
Sam:So all these things I say to myself repeatedly to avoid the feeling of guilt, to avoid the feeling of sadness, of feeling like I've disappointed people or I failed people, just to understand that I'm doing the right thing. And even if it doesn't feel that way, eventually I will see it.
Ruth:Yeah, I love that you mentioned authenticity, because I think that's a big factor Living in your authenticity and letting everyone else's journey lead them to theirs, not trying to. I'd say this to you all the time, but I think sometimes we don't even recognize we're doing it until we get burnt out. Where we're trying to do it all, we're trying to help everyone, we're trying to save everybody, we're trying to bring everyone up with us, and there's nothing wrong with trying to do those things. But at some point you have to recognize when it's more of a detrimental thing than it is a benefit to you, cause, like they say on the planes, you have to put your oxygen mask on first then you can go help others, and I think that's the important thing to think about when navigating expectations from others.
Ruth:And then, similar to what you just said, sometimes you think you're saving people and you're not. By saving them, we're often stunting their growth. And to close out, one other thing that I had to also think about in these instances because not everyone's going to understand this right Like if you have a conversation with a loved one who has very high or unrealistic expectations of you having a conversation doesn't always work. Not everyone sees things eye to eye. They may not comprehend where you're coming from, they may think you're neglecting them, so on and so forth. But what I learned to do is have grace on that person. Don't blame them because, again, it's their journey. They'll learn on their time.
Ruth:Make yourself a priority and then tune out the noise, tune out the distractions, because if you're trying to live a life of authenticity, you have to put yourself in a certain frequency where you gotta block out the distractions and the noise, and a lot of these things that we talked about today are just excessive noise that prohibits you from moving forward or operating in the true version of yourself, because you're constantly seeking approval, you're constantly trying to please people or you're constantly trying to save people. All of those things, at the end of the day, won't matter if you're not also doing them for yourself. Thank you for spending your time with us. We hope you gain some knowledge today that'll promote poise in your life. Until next time, you can follow us on Instagram at noirpoise to stay connected. That's N-O-I-R-P-O-I-S-E-D. We'd love to hear your feedback.
Sam:And remember your wisdom is power. Ciao, ciao, ciao, ciao, ciao.