Ever found yourself quietly seething because someone didn't live up to your expectations, even when they had no idea what those were? We've all been there, and that's exactly why we're tackling the intricate dance of expectations in our lives. In this episode, we pull back the curtain to reveal how the beliefs we hold about the future can either set us free or tie us down. We discuss the liberating power of healthy expectations, rooted in faith and potential, compared to the entrapment of unhealthy expectations, which often stem from unvoiced demands. Through our lens and personal stories, you'll gain insights into steering clear of the pitfalls of expectancy in your own relationships.
Think expressing every little expectation sounds excessive? Think again. It turns out that clear communication is not just a buzzword; it's the lifeblood of trust and relationship success. We share our thoughts on the crucial nature of articulating expectations. So, if you're ready for some candid conversation on ensuring your unspoken expectations don't become unmet ones, you're in the right place.
Wrapping up, we turn the spotlight onto the broader stage of societal expectations—where traditional roles and norms can obscure our true desires. With an honest exchange about gender roles, financial responsibilities, and the little things that make or break a relationship, we encourage you to take the driver's seat in the conversation. And as you step into the driver's seat, we're right there with you, inviting you to join our community on Instagram to share your journey of navigating life's myriad expectations. Let's keep the dialogue going and help each other stay composed in a world brimming with anticipation.
Ever found yourself quietly seething because someone didn't live up to your expectations, even when they had no idea what those were? We've all been there, and that's exactly why we're tackling the intricate dance of expectations in our lives. In this episode, we pull back the curtain to reveal how the beliefs we hold about the future can either set us free or tie us down. We discuss the liberating power of healthy expectations, rooted in faith and potential, compared to the entrapment of unhealthy expectations, which often stem from unvoiced demands. Through our lens and personal stories, you'll gain insights into steering clear of the pitfalls of expectancy in your own relationships.
Think expressing every little expectation sounds excessive? Think again. It turns out that clear communication is not just a buzzword; it's the lifeblood of trust and relationship success. We share our thoughts on the crucial nature of articulating expectations. So, if you're ready for some candid conversation on ensuring your unspoken expectations don't become unmet ones, you're in the right place.
Wrapping up, we turn the spotlight onto the broader stage of societal expectations—where traditional roles and norms can obscure our true desires. With an honest exchange about gender roles, financial responsibilities, and the little things that make or break a relationship, we encourage you to take the driver's seat in the conversation. And as you step into the driver's seat, we're right there with you, inviting you to join our community on Instagram to share your journey of navigating life's myriad expectations. Let's keep the dialogue going and help each other stay composed in a world brimming with anticipation.
Welcome to the Noir P Podcast, where wisdom is power is more than just a motto.
Sam:
It's our way of life. While we don't claim to have all the answers, we're dedicated to delving deeper into different topics through meaningful conversations. As a duo, we bring different viewpoints to the table, enriching our joint journey towards growth and poise.
Ruth:
.
Sam:
I don't know about you, but I hate having expectations of others.
Sam:
But as I've been experiencing while we're embarking on this new journey, this podcast, I have a lot of thoughts that I don't understand where it came from or the why behind it.
Sam:
And looking at the definition of expectations, I found two definitions that helped me understand why I don't like to have expectations in other people. The first definition is expectation is the state or condition of waiting or awaiting with confident anticipation. Second is expectations are preconceived notions or beliefs about what should happen in the future. And when I read these definitions, I interpreted as whenever you have expectations in someone, you're literally placing power in their hands and just by the definition of it's a condition of waiting or awaiting. It tells me that when you have expectations of people, you're kind of frozen until that expectation is met. You're waiting for something from them. Reading this definition, I come to understand exactly why I dislike having expectations of others, although I do want to say off the bat that I understand that it's not good to not have expectations of others, because reality is you can't do it all yourself. You have to rely on someone at some point in your life.
Ruth:
Right, I definitely agree. I have a weird relationship with expectations because a part of me I'm like don't have none, Don't have expectations of others, then you won't be disappointed, and I think that's fine. Personally, I feel like there's two sides to it. I think there's healthy expectations and then there's unhealthy expectations. So that's what I've learned recently is it's not that you shouldn't have expectations of others. You have to recognize what kind of expectations are you having of others, because if you have expectations that person doesn't fulfill it, you leave room for disappointment. No one wants to be disappointed. So I often try to ask myself is it okay to have this specific expectation of someone, or isn't it?
Sam:
In your opinion, what's the difference between healthy and unhealthy expectations?
Ruth:
Healthy to me is putting your hope in someone and expecting them to fulfill a need that you can fulfill on your own. And healthy would be believing in the potential that someone has.
Sam:
That's actually one of the main problems I have with expectations is you're putting the pressure on someone to fit your vision. I can see why you say that To some extent, yeah, that's possible, but that's clearly not healthy in my opinion, I agree, but I can't think of a moment when you have an expectation where that's not it, where you're literally envisioning what you think that person should do or should say and you're awaiting for them to meet that vision.
Ruth:
I don't agree. I do think, yes, there's truth to that. There are times where that is the case. I also think that there are times where it isn't. And I started thinking of our relationship and that's what made me realize no, it's okay to have some form of expectations. It's all about making sure it's a healthy expectation.
Ruth:
Obviously, if it's looking for people to show up for you or step up in a specific type of way, I think those can often be related to what you just said. But, for example, you have certain goals and dreams and things that you want to accomplish for yourself. You've expressed those things to me as your wife. I now have an expectation that you will fulfill those things, not necessarily that I need you to fulfill them, but it's more so. I have a form of, in a sense, I have belief in your potential and what you're capable of fulfilling. Now, if you don't fulfill those things, I won't be disappointed by it, because it wasn't an unhealthy expectation. If that makes sense, that's how I see it. I don't know if that's like the right way to look at it, but that's how I personally look at expectations. Now, that is an interesting take.
Sam:
I would have never thought of expectations being something that I can create for you.
Ruth:
I thought.
Sam:
expectations always originated from the individual, so you could only have expectations based off of your preconceived notions, for example. That is definitely an interesting definition.
Ruth:
Because expectation is literally just a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future. So it doesn't have to necessarily be about self where I'm having an expectation of you that may satisfy my desires.
Sam:
But it makes me wonder then how then are negative expectations formed? If it seems like it's positive, where I'm expecting something to happen, I have confidence that something's going to happen, I'm anticipating then where's the negativity of that? I guess I'm getting my definitions wrong.
Ruth:
No, I don't think you're getting your definitions wrong and that's why, in the beginning, I say I look at the term expectations in two different ways, because I do think there is a way where it's unhealthy and the expectations that you have of others has more to do with yourself than it does of the other person. To me, that's unhealthy If I'm expecting you to support me financially but you've never said anything about supporting me financially, or if I'm expecting you to put the trash out every day when the garbage is supposed to be picked up and it's not something that you understand or has been communicated. I think that can easily become an unhealthy expectation, as simple as those things may be Well, not the financial part, but you get what I mean. That's just a small example. But if I'm having expectations of you, that has nothing to do with my self desires. I think that's different Because, speaking from our experience now, I do expect you to do certain things.
Ruth:
As I was thinking about this episode, I was like I don't feel like I have expectations of people, but then I had to be honest with myself.
Ruth:
I do, I do have expectations of people and I do have expectations of you particularly, and I think the term expectation can often change a little bit depending on the type of relationship you're talking about, and I think it's healthy to have some expectations. I think it becomes unhealthy when it's about you and it becomes more selfish than it is about seeing the potential of what can be or, more so, having faith in what can occur positively. It's not putting pressure on the other person. I think that's the difference. I think unhealthy expectations often puts pressure on people to achieve or do something that's not aligned with their desires for themselves, whereas in my case, what I'm trying to say is the expectations that I think are healthy to have and the ones that I have of you have everything to do with the goals and the things that you have aligned for yourself and as your support system. I now have the expectation that you will fulfill it, because I believe in you that much.
Sam:
You get me. Yeah, I definitely see it. It's more so about the belief versus. It's more so about the belief. Yeah, that's definitely interesting. I never would have thought of that. Highlighting the belief part Again, just based off the definition I read in my mind, I'm thinking I want you to do something, not necessarily you want to do something, and that's where my fear of having expectations of others came into play. So would it be fair to say that healthy expectations is when Both parties agree on what needs to be done?
Ruth:
I would say yeah, and.
Ruth:
I think there has to be communication and there has to be some form of agreement on what the expectations are. You know, but again, most people have expectations of others. In the first example that you gave, where it's, they're expecting that person to be something that they're not even, most of the time, aware of, or play a role that they're not even aware that they should be playing. There's a lack of communication there, so you don't know what you're required to do, yet the pressure of those expectations are put on that person. I see.
Sam:
I think one of the signs of unhealthy expectation is I personally don't believe that expectations should be critical and again it could go back to my character of not putting expectations on people but I never wanna be in a position to put someone in a position where I need you to do something or I need you to meet a goal or expectation, and if you don't I'm going to be in a lot of trouble.
Ruth:
So I have a question for you have you been disappointed by people? Yeah, okay, because I personally feel like the reason why we're disappointed by people is because we subconsciously had an expectation from them and that's why they disappointed us, because they did not meet that expectation. You're thinking of it more so, as you tell me you're coming at seven o'clock, I expect you to come at seven o'clock. You don't show up, now I'm screwed. It's not always the case. A lot of times it has to do with internal things that you don't even recognize, in my opinion. So it's not necessarily just what you need. Sometimes it's also what you want. So, in reality, as much as you think you don't have expectations of people, you kind of do.
Sam:
As you're saying. That it's actually making me think of. We've had this conversation before where I was disappointed when certain family members weren't around more after our daughter was born. I didn't tell them to be there, but I was still disappointed. So what you just said is a clear example of that.
Ruth:
You had an expectation of them being there, but you didn't communicate that expectation and that's why you're disappointed Because it wasn't met.
Sam:
So that makes me realize that we just be going throughout our day and just having expectations without even realizing it.
Ruth:
I honestly think it's a natural thing. There's so many things that we don't realize, we do or we feel or we think, but expectations, I don't think it's a bad thing. I think if you look at it the way that you were perceiving it earlier in the episode, then, yeah, most people are like, nah, I don't want to, I don't expect anything from anyone and I've heard people say that term, I've said it before in the past, so I'm like I just don't expect nothing. So I'm not disappointed. I had to realize that I was lying to myself as much as like, yeah, you may want to believe that you don't have expectations of others, or you may want to not have expectations of others in some way we all do. As your wife, you have expectations of me. You may not recognize it, but you do, because if there was certain things that you expected of me and I did not meet, you would naturally be disappointed. But, like I said, I feel like the difference is the lack of communication. So when expectations, when you get in touch with what you expect from others because I don't think there's anything wrong with having expectations of others, as long as it's communicated with that person and that person is in agreement with that expectation. As your wife, you expect me to be faithful to you. Right Now you don't have control over that, but that's an expectation that you have and vice versa, you get what I mean. So there are.
Ruth:
We go about life with a lot of expectations, with loved ones. Like you just said, you expect loved ones to show up for you and support you. If you have I don't know a birthday party and you invite all of your family members and friends and everyone in your life, you have an expectation that those people will show up for you to celebrate your life and if they don't, you would be disappointed, like you know what I mean. Like not saying that that's healthy to have because people have lives or whatever the case is. But the point I'm trying to make is, as much as we think we don't count on people or we don't have expectations, even if it's not in the physical form, you do subconsciously do it.
Ruth:
That's wild, and if those people did not show up, you became disappointed. That naturally then influences your relationship with them and your bond. You start to look at them a little funny, like why didn't you show up? You know what I mean. I've been there where I felt that way and I had to realize I do have expectations of people, and those are not always healthy ones. You know what I mean. But if it's communicated and there's an understanding, I don't think there's anything necessarily wrong with it. You just have to catch yourself when you're putting unrealistic expectations on people. So would you say that?
Sam:
uncommunicated expectations is always unhealthy.
Ruth:
Personally to me, yes, I'm not gonna say yes, that's a fact. But in my opinion, I've learned not to put expectations on people that has not been communicated.
Sam:
I think, if I was listening to this podcast, one thing I'll think of is certain things should be unsaid, yes, and I think that's where things may fall through the crack, where I have an expectation of you that I think is so obvious that I don't need to communicate it Right.
Ruth:
I'm glad you said that. I think that's most people, and I think that's why we end up disappointed, expecting people to do things or be something or someone that hasn't ever been communicated to them. So I felt that way in the past as well, too, and I had to realize that that's not healthy. You have to communicate it because we're all. We talk about this all the time. We're all different people, and we even had this conversation recently about assumptions and assuming that someone is going to do something or assuming that someone understands something without you providing your take on it. It's ridiculous.
Ruth:
Yeah, so it's the same thing with expectations. I can't expect you to do something that I haven't communicated to you. That falls in the same line of assuming. So I'm glad that you said that, because I think that's probably what most people are thinking Like. Well, it's common sense. Why wouldn't my family want to come see my daughter when she's born? Maybe they have a different perspective. Maybe they're respecting your boundaries. Maybe they're respecting that. Maybe you don't want people over all the time, you know like little things like that. Not saying that that may be the case, but the point is, everyone has different perceptions and everyone have different ways of thinking and processing information. So, while you may think one thing and you think, well, this is obvious, why wouldn't you show up? They may be thinking something else.
Ruth:
You just never know. The point is, you need to communicate those expectations if it's something that you realize is affecting you, especially if it's with people that you plan on going to long haul with. That's why I said earlier, the definition of expectation for me varies based on the type of relationship that it is, because if it's a coworker, bro, we not friends, whatever. But if it's like a sibling, a loved one, a family member, a close friend that I plan on keeping you in my circle in my community, we need to have a conversation and in that conversation it will then change that negative bond to a positive bond and you will then give that person the space to give their perspective on situations and their views. And now it allows you to compromise on your expectations.
Sam:
That's something I definitely need to work on Over communicating, because I would definitely fall underneath the bracket of this. Seems like common sense. I don't need to say it.
Ruth:
So you're saying you feel like you need to over communicate.
Sam:
Right, I need to over communicate, even in the most basic way, just again, to set that expectation of this is what I'm anticipating from you. Are you aligned with that? And we can go on from there. The good thing is, from my experience, when someone does meet your expectation. I feel like it gives you courage to do more, not just generally, but also with them. When you see that you are anticipating something from someone and they deliver as they said as was agreed on, it does give you strength.
Ruth:
And it builds your trust with them, right, it builds your trust with them.
Sam:
It's like you're not alone. Contrary to that, when someone doesn't meet your expectation, it brings into feelings of frustration and loneliness, and I think that's what happened with me and I'm sure, countless of other people, where you were disappointed. Someone didn't meet your expectation and it naturally made you frustrated. It naturally made you think I don't need anyone, I can do it on my own Right and sadly, you end up digging yourself into a bigger hole with that. Yeah, because, as you just said, whether you realize it or not, you're always expecting something from someone. You may not vocalize it, you may not even be aware of it, but you're always expecting something from someone and if you're not vocalizing that, you're just going to keep repeating the process of frustration and isolation and loneliness.
Ruth:
But even with all of what you said, I think it's important to consider that, while you may have someone or some people who meet your expectations, it's important to make sure that you don't put so much trust in them that it then becomes unhealthy. That's what it goes back to. For me, at the end of the day is is this expectation of this person healthy and realistic or unhealthy and unrealistic? Am I putting pressure on this person? Have I communicated to this person what I expect of them? You know what I mean. And also being understanding, because when people don't deliver, it's also okay. Like I don't wanna make it seem like we should be putting our trust in our faith in people to deliver and do things for us, and that's why I say it's more so.
Ruth:
There's a difference between the emotional aspect and the physical aspect. There has to be a form of understanding. When that person doesn't deliver or doesn't meet that specific expectation. Does that make sense? It does. It's important to not have expectations that are too high and not too low, because if they're too high, obviously it's unrealistic and you're setting up yourself for failure. You're setting up that person up for failure. If it's too low, you may be low key settling. If we're talking about a relationship, right Okay, example I'm in a relationship with you If I don't have any expectations whatsoever. You don't have expectations. There's low key, kinda no boundaries, either, so you wanna make sure that you're not settling as well, or you're not forgetting yourself or neglecting yourself in what needs you may have within that relationship. I think it's okay for both parties to have expectations, as long as they're communicated.
Sam:
Expectations should lead to growth Right absolutely. And if they're too low, then obviously you're not growing.
Sam:
And if they're too high, you're setting unrealistic goals. That's only gonna lead you to fall short, right? I think an example of expectations being set too high is when you start to expect the other person to sacrifice their own desires for yours. I agree, I think that's a clear sign that you're setting things too high. Too low is when it's reversed, in my opinion, when the other person is expecting you to sacrifice your desires to meet their expectations. So there has to be some type of common ground.
Ruth:
Right compromise.
Sam:
That's what I was gonna say so that you both can grow together, and it's not one way or another.
Ruth:
Yeah, I agree that's exactly what I was gonna say with the compromising. I feel like, after communicating certain expectations, there needs to be honest responses about if that expectation is realistic from the other party and if there needs to be some boundaries, and both parties should be able to then find a common ground, like you said, and compromise on what is realistic for that particular relationship. If it's not an intimate type of relationship and it's a parent, child or whatever the case is, I think that's also the same concept. It needs to be communicated and then express if that's realistic or not and meet in the middle, Because I feel like there's so many different cultural and societal expectations that we don't recognize shape the way we move or our beliefs and our behaviors and what we expect of others. And as I was thinking of this, that's why I realized I was like I do have certain expectations of you, Cause I was thinking of gender roles. Right, there's certain expectations that society has implanted into our minds that should be done from specific genders we talk about this all the time where men are expected to do certain things, women are expected to do certain things, and because of culture and because of what society has taught us, we think that's what it's supposed to be. And so we came into our marriage with certain expectations that we may not have realized. But as we started to have more conversations or express certain feelings about where we see fit for each other, then we started to shift on what worked for us, and an example I remembered was finances.
Ruth:
I remember when we first got married, I'm a finance major and I'm like, okay, obviously I'm going to handle the finances because this is what I do. And I remember our first few months you were like you would like to handle the finances. I thought that's what the man was supposed to do, that's what we were taught. Those are certain. Well, in this case it wasn't necessarily an expectation that I had of you, but more so an expectation you had of yourself, right, Because of what society has taught us. And I remember I felt the type of way I was like oh God, if one bill goes past. I remember thinking this in my head I was like if I see one pass, do notice we're swapping. But I had to humble myself. I humbled myself and I was like you know what he wants to lead in this way? I'm going to give him the opportunity to do that and we did.
Ruth:
You handle the finances for a long time and we were both involved, but you were more so the one that was like submitting the payments and so on and so forth. And as time went on, you got busy and you realized that I had more experience with the budgeting aspect and making sure that we were saving appropriately and still had time to have pleasure and go on vacation and manage in that way, and you kind of like handed it over. You were just like, yeah, you know, just do you? Kind of I hit me hard, Do you?
Ruth:
But that's an example of some expectations that people may have of others. People may go into relationships expecting the man to lead financially and the woman to be okay with it. That's something I feel like in our culture and society that has been taught, where men make the money so they handle the bills, and the woman, she, uses the money to go to the supermarket and make the food. But every relationship is different and that's what we had to learn what works for other people is not going to work for us. You shift and you adapt to what works for your specific relationship.
Sam:
Funny story. I remember when we first moved in you used to make the bed. You made the bed so well, I know what you're gonna say and it was intimidating because it looked like a hotel bed and I remember I would never do it One. Honestly, if I was leaving by myself, I probably wouldn't make the bed every day. It would probably be like a one-side week thing.
Sam:
I hear people say that all the time, but I would make it neat, but I wouldn't go all hotel-ish, but I had the expectation that this is what you do. Yes, I remember and I'll never forget one time you told me I would love to come home to.
Ruth:
Night.
Sam:
Strix, Bed 2. And it sounds silly, but at that moment I never thought of how it could be the other way. My expectation was this is something that you like to do, so you're going to do it, and if it doesn't get done it's because you don't want to do it. But once we had that conversation and I noticed that it could also be an expectation from me, I had to watch you a few times. I wasn't ashamed to take my phone out and record it, I remember.
Sam:
But I learned to make the bed the way you like it, so that, because we were in an understanding, we were able to now meet that little simple expectation and that's one thing I definitely want to say is this expectation is literally littered throughout the day.
Ruth:
Yeah, we just don't realize it. Right, we don't realize it.
Sam:
And something as little as me fixing the bed. I noticed it literally gave you some type of happiness.
Ruth:
Yes, joy Dead serious Like that's a big deal for me.
Sam:
But I say all that to say piggybacking of what the example you just gave. You never realize what kind of expectation isn't being met if you don't have the conversation. And it's OK to have the conversation with the smallest things, because once we had the conversation about the bed, guess what? I started looking at the couches, making sure the pills were aligned.
Ruth:
I started looking at every other thing, you know. I just want to say while you're saying that, so people don't think like, oh well, you're just fulfilling the expectations she has of you. No, because he would like the bed hotel-ish. Ok, he would like getting in the bed with the comfy pillows and a nice duvet. You like sitting on the couch with the pillows, where you could take one put underneath your lap for the laptop and one underneath your shoulder, one underneath your arm, Like he likes the stuff.
Sam:
Right, I think there's too many pillows.
Ruth:
Maybe just a conversation part of the time he liked it. Ok, the point is we both enjoyed it. So that's why I think that was a healthy expectation, because if you honestly did not care or despised it, then obviously I'm the one that like it. I should do it, although in a relationship you do little things to make the other person happy, but in this case we both enjoyed it thoroughly. I enjoyed it a little bit more, but we both enjoyed it.
Sam:
Yeah, I enjoyed it.
Ruth:
Like.
Sam:
I said maybe too much pillows, but I enjoyed. I do enjoy walking into the bedroom and seeing the throw, the color coordination, the folds. I've learned to become very sophisticated.
Ruth:
I was just about to say y'all heard those details. He's like the folds.
Sam:
And again, after a conversation was had, I was able to meet that expectation for her and that's all it took a conversation, a conversation and compromise, conversation and compromise. You don't always have to understand where the person is coming from, but you'll be surprised of how a simple conversation can go a long way.
Ruth:
Right, I agree. It's all about clear communication and managing your expectations, because if it was a situation where we had a conversation about it and I came home for the next week or two and it wasn't done, that shouldn't upset me, because I know this is a standard that I personally have, not you. It's all about communicating those expectations, finding a common ground in compromising, understanding where the person's coming from, if it's even something that they care for or not, because that makes a difference too and then managing those expectations in the long run.
Sam:
And I do want to personally challenge everyone out there to look at the gender roles. Yeah, because I think just within that idea there are so many different expectations that I had not even for spousal communication, but something as simple. As I've heard so many people who, growing up, live with their mom their mom would always do the cooking and cleaning.
Ruth:
Because it's the mom.
Sam:
The laundry. For some, you never stop to wonder maybe this is an expectation I have of them and they don't have an expectation of, and they have a similar expectation of me that's not being met. So little things like that. I would definitely encourage people to start there and look into the gender roles to see where you currently have healthy or unhealthy expectations.
Ruth:
Absolutely. I love that. I agree. And not just gender roles, but even little things like religion, communication styles. There's so many things that we have expectations on. So again, clear communication, compromise, understanding, manage those expectations.