This week, we delve into the intricate world of 'safe spaces'. What are they? Do we need others to create them, or can we forge them alone?
We're exploring the essence of belonging and peace of mind in environments free from judgment and criticism. It's a candid discussion about the challenges of finding and offering safe spaces, especially in our relationships and communities.
Get ready for a deeper dive into questioning societal norms about vulnerability and strength. If you listened to episode one (Learning to Be Vulnerable), then you know that there is an unfortunate misconception with the term vulnerability relating to men. We continue to break down the barriers, discussing how to foster growth and understanding in our most intimate relationships, and how this can extend to our wider communities.
We redefine safe spaces - not just as physical locations, but as emotional sanctuaries. It's a continuous journey of learning, unlearning, and relearning; a pursuit to live life with authentic poise.
Don't miss out on this enlightening discussion that promises to challenge your perspectives and inspire personal growth. Tune in, connect, and let's grow together!
Follow the journey:
Instagram: @noirpoisedpodcast
Youtube: @noirpoisedpodcast
This week, we delve into the intricate world of 'safe spaces'. What are they? Do we need others to create them, or can we forge them alone?
We're exploring the essence of belonging and peace of mind in environments free from judgment and criticism. It's a candid discussion about the challenges of finding and offering safe spaces, especially in our relationships and communities.
Get ready for a deeper dive into questioning societal norms about vulnerability and strength. If you listened to episode one (Learning to Be Vulnerable), then you know that there is an unfortunate misconception with the term vulnerability relating to men. We continue to break down the barriers, discussing how to foster growth and understanding in our most intimate relationships, and how this can extend to our wider communities.
We redefine safe spaces - not just as physical locations, but as emotional sanctuaries. It's a continuous journey of learning, unlearning, and relearning; a pursuit to live life with authentic poise.
Don't miss out on this enlightening discussion that promises to challenge your perspectives and inspire personal growth. Tune in, connect, and let's grow together!
Follow the journey:
Instagram: @noirpoisedpodcast
Youtube: @noirpoisedpodcast
Welcome to the Noir Police Podcast, where wisdom is power is more than just a motto.
Speaker 2:It's our way of life. While we don't claim to have all the answers, we're dedicated to delving deeper into different topics through meaningful conversations. As a duo, we bring different viewpoints to the table, enriching our joint journey towards growth and poise, join us as we explore and unlearn to relearn, while striving to navigate life with poise.
Speaker 1:I've heard people say this pretty often Everyone is basically seeking some form of validation. We all want to have a sense of belonging, whether that's community or to a specific person, but we all want to belong to something like. That's just part of human nature. We want to have a place where we have peace of mind, where we can be ourselves and be free from ridicule or judgment. Based on my experience and conversations with people, I find that this is something that a lot of people tend to struggle with, myself included Finding a safe space, but also being humble enough to create a safe space for loved ones. I wanted to get your thoughts on what comes to mind when you generally think of safe spaces.
Speaker 2:The first thing that comes to mind is a place where I can be myself. I can be myself and not worry about offending anyone and not worried about being offended myself. I think of a place where I can be off and I know that if I want to be quiet, I can be quiet. If I want to be loud, I can be loud. Lastly, I would describe it as a place where I don't have to justify myself.
Speaker 1:That's a good one.
Speaker 2:I can be me and be unapologetically me. I don't have to explain why I'm doing something or why I look the way I look. I can just be myself. One thing that comes to mind, based off of what you said, is does a safe space require other people around? Could you create your own safe space where you're just alone? Or does a safe space mean that loved ones or friends are around, but just respecting your authenticity?
Speaker 1:You're going to hate my response.
Speaker 2:It depends.
Speaker 1:No, not even I was going to say both. I do think that you can create a safe space for yourself, and you can do so on your own and with people that you care for or that you love. Safe space is basically an environment where you can be you. You can literally let your guard down. It makes difficult conversations easier to have. That's basically what safe space is. When I think of it. In that case, with that in mind, I feel like you definitely can create a safe space alone, because there's different aspects of your environment that can allow you to let go, have peace, be authentic as humans. As we previously mentioned on an episode, the human experience were naturally social creatures. We're naturally seeking connections and that's just part of our natural state. We crave that as human beings. You can't just count on safe spaces as a loner. While I do think that is important, I think there needs to be balance where you have people that you can go to.
Speaker 2:That provides that safe space for you as well. That actually makes me wonder. If, then, people make up that safe space. Is the purpose of a safe space to gather encouragement, gather support? Are you inviting people to your environment to say I need some kind of support, whether that's mental, emotional, whatever it may be, I need some kind of support based off of what I'm feeling, is that what a safe space would be.
Speaker 1:I would say yes, support. Correct me if I'm wrong I don't know if I'm getting at what you're saying but at the end of the day, having a safe space curates an environment for growth. I personally have always thought that I don't need anybody to grow. I can grow on my own. I don't need anybody's support. I can do things on my own.
Speaker 1:It's not until in my adulthood that I recognize that, no matter how much you think you don't need people, we all need people. It's part of the human experience. We need people to move forward in a healthy way. No one can be a complete loner for their entire lives and be stable emotionally and mentally. That's my opinion. I just think that we crave those social interactions and having someone who we can not necessarily count on, but someone where we can communicate with and can then provide us feedback that will encourage our growth. If I'm a loner and I'm creating this safe space environmentally for myself as far as keeping distractions away and making sure my house is in the order that I like it, I'm meditating, I'm doing certain activities that will naturally cause me to grow and be in a good space mentally and emotionally you can do all of that work. I just feel like sometimes we need someone else to be transparent with us, to help us recognize areas and flaws that we don't know we have. How many times have we had certain conversations where we think we're doing the perfect thing, we're moving accordingly, we're making right decisions and because you're my person, I'm able to recognize certain things and have an honest conversation with you and make you realize where there can be improvement and vice versa.
Speaker 1:As humans, I think we need that. We need that support. That's why I believe, while you can create a safe space for yourself Alone, there also needs to be a balance where you have a community where you feel that they provide a safe space. And when I say community, it doesn't have to be a lot of people. It could be your spouse, it could be a sibling, it could be a parent, it could be a friend, but just having someone that you can bounce conversation off of.
Speaker 2:So when I first came across the concept of safe space, this was a few years ago, maybe 2016, 2015, 2014,. Around that time, I hated that term. Why, For some reason and I do blame the media, but for some reason they made the term seem like it was for weak-minded people, Because I remember just reading up on it or hearing different people say things, and it was more so. This is a space for me. Don't say anything that offends me, Stay where you are and I'll stay where I am, and I'm getting a group of people to just bounce my own ideas off of. I kind of want to hear it. In a sense, it seemed like safe spaces were created for people who were afraid of other people's opinions. I can see that.
Speaker 1:I mean, we live in that type of society these days.
Speaker 2:So when I first heard that term, I couldn't stand it.
Speaker 1:I can see that.
Speaker 2:And one of the things that I find interesting about our conversation today is I originally thought that alone time was essentially your safe space. It can be a form of it.
Speaker 2:It can be a form of it, yes, but I agree with what you're saying, because it appears that there's a difference between I need time alone and I need to be in an environment where I can grow with others, and I think that's another definition that I would add to safe space.
Speaker 2:I could think of times when I felt that I created my own safe space, and it's something as simple as driving to work and driving home, where no one's in the car with me, I can listen to whatever I want to listen to. It's my space, so I can just do whatever I want, and I remember I enjoyed that feeling mainly because I didn't have to consult anyone. I didn't have to listen to anyone's criticism and feedback about jumping through genres I silly as that sound so I equated that to my own safe space. But what I'm gathering from this conversation and again I agree is there's a difference between being alone, being within your own thoughts, and being in an environment where you can grow with others. And unfortunately, it's easy to be alone, but it's difficult for people, I believe and I'm speaking from experience to gather that type of environment where you can create a safe space, not for the purpose of protecting yourself, not just for the purpose, I should say, of protecting yourself from the world, but mainly to grow within a secluded environment.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I agree to grow, but also letting your loved ones in in a sense, because if you're someone who has any type of relationship that is built on growing and advancing with that person particularly with spouse or relationships then naturally there's more than just that benefit.
Speaker 1:There's, yeah, you're growing together because the more vulnerable that you are with that person, the more they're capable of understanding who you are authentically. And in doing so, you're almost creating that safe space for yourself through others. Because, as your wife, if I understand more of you and you're vulnerable with me and I then start to comprehend why you do the things that you do, why you think the way that you think, so on and so forth, that understanding will allow me to have more grace on you and in having more grace, it's like a domino effect. You'll naturally feel more comfortable to be more vulnerable with me and you can then be authentically you and as that keeps on happening, you'll get to a space where you don't feel the need to only have that safe space on your own. You create that safe space around you. Does that make sense? And it's a two-way street, of course.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it does make sense. But one thing that comes to mind is how do you get other parties to agree to that? Because I can imagine people in a scenario where they have loved ones but, for one reason or another, their loved ones don't support them in the way they need to be supported. So someone in that situation, how do they create a safe space?
Speaker 1:Has that person even vocalized it? Because I think sometimes we naturally expect people to have a response or a reaction and we never provide that feedback or that information for them to know that that's what is craved, because if you're not vulnerable with someone, how will they know that? You know, right, yeah, so I feel like in that case that has to be vocalized. The conversation is not necessarily you forcing to create a safe space for yourself with others, but more so your loved ones, creating a safe space for you to be, vulnerable.
Speaker 1:You're not saying what you were saying is incorrect, because it's a two-way street. Like I said earlier, it takes two individuals. But in order to do that, if I want a safe space with you, I have to start the initiative to be vulnerable with you at some point and, based on whatever reaction I get, whether it may be positive or negative, I then can provide you feedback and be vocal about what would have been appreciated or what would have been something that I preferred.
Speaker 2:That does make sense. And now I'm reflecting on have I created safe spaces for my loved ones? It's easy to see it one way where you're so focused on yourself. I'm appreciating this conversation because I'm learning a lot about safe spaces, and something I just realized, based off of what you just said, is I don't have to necessarily create a safe space for myself, but I can create an environment that people, including myself, feel safe in.
Speaker 2:Exactly, I don't have to create a space where everyone necessarily agrees with what I'm thinking, but a safe space could literally be you have your beliefs, I have my beliefs, and that's okay. I'm not here at the moment or within the safe space to criticize you or to challenge you or to ask you to provide insight. I'm just here to enjoy your company and I'm appreciating that because initially and just being quite honest with you, I didn't think it was possible for me to be part of a safe space apart from you. But this conversation is showing me that, no, I can foster an environment, a safe space, environment where I can speak with loved ones and friends that I don't necessarily agree with, and it'd be an environment where everyone is thriving.
Speaker 1:Right, absolutely, and I think that's the misconception. A lot of people assume that you're cultivating your environment entirely, which to some extent, yeah, you are. But it's all about surrounding yourself with like-minded people, and when I say like-minded I don't mean agreeing on everything. All of those people are on the same mindset as far as self-improvement, wanting to learn from other people's perspectives, not criticizing, non-judgmental. We don't have to agree, but we can disagree respectfully. I think that's what's important, because those are the environments that I mentioned before. That will naturally promote growth within you, and that's why it's important to not just create a safe space environment as a loner, but find your people, find your person. If it's not people, it can be one person. I personally think it's okay to have just one person.
Speaker 1:The goal for me when it comes to creating a safe space for loved ones is to make sure that no one feels alone, because that's part of the issue in our society now, where a lot of people feel alone, even though they have so many friends and family. Looking from the outside in, it looks like they're surrounded by love, but people naturally in this day and age are feeling more alone than ever, and that's something I personally have experienced. Where I have to ask myself well, I have family members who love me, I have a significant other who love me. Why do I still feel alone? And I think it's because of things like this, where we don't allow ourselves to emotionally grow with people and be vulnerable enough to let them in. I'm not saying spill your beans, let everyone know every single thing about you, but it's important to find people who will hear you out and not look at you any differently, and I know that's difficult to find sometimes. But it has to start somewhere and I think we need to take accountability to start that process, rather than expecting friends and family to just come out of nowhere and be there for you and be supportive and hear you out, without judging. We all come from different backgrounds. We have different mentalities. Our natural reaction when we don't agree with someone or something is to say something or have a reaction to it Like we're entitled to opinions. There's nothing wrong with that. But my thing is we can't expect our loved ones to create safe spaces for us where we can be vulnerable and open up if we don't take that initiative ourselves to be vulnerable and we discussed that in a previous podcast about vulnerability and learning how to do it and because it stems from so much fear whether that's a fear of judgment, fear of shame or embarrassment point is, there's a sense of fear that makes us unable to allow our loved ones in.
Speaker 1:As I've gotten older and I've done a lot of self reflection and trying to understand foundational issues and why things are the way that they are. That's one of the things. I had to hold myself accountable. I had to realize okay, well, I want people to be there for me, I want to feel supported, I want people to notice things without me saying it, which is low key, kind of crazy. But I didn't start that process by letting people in. And again, it doesn't have to be you let people in all the way. You can start slow, so with you. We weren't always vulnerable with each other. That was a process. As time went on and we started to let go, little by little, learn more and more. It then allowed the other to see that person in their truth and, because of the love that you have for that person and you start to comprehend some of their background and who they are at the core, you find grace and you give them that. You know how I feel about this.
Speaker 1:I have a deep passion for the lack of understanding there is within our community for different generals, and when I thought of this topic, I was afraid of touching on this specific section of the topic because I know it can get carried away. Once we start, we just won't stop. But I feel like it's important to mention because, like we mentioned in the previous episode, society labels vulnerability as a weakness, for whatever reason that is, and we know that men and women have different reactions from society when it comes to vulnerability and when it comes to being true to who they are. Emotionally. Specifically, they expect men to be able to have this ridiculous emotional control and we want them to be vulnerable. But don't give me too much. I still want you to be strong. So don't cry, don't let out too much, but I wanna be your person, tell me what you're feeling, and I think we had this conversation recently where I said I feel like it's contradicting, and I can see how it can be a little bit confusing for men out there, and especially since society has already placed that brainwash within us you guys particularly, but also women, because we have these thoughts too.
Speaker 1:When I thought of creating safe spaces, I wanted to touch on how partners can create a safe space for each other.
Speaker 1:While what we discussed earlier, that's all important, and creating a safe space has different aspects to it in my opinion, but I think it's important to figure out how to create a safe space for someone that you love and care about, and not wait for the moment when it's too late, when you find out they're self-harming, when you realize they're dealing with anxiety and depression. We tend to wait for those moments in our community before we do something about it. I know earlier you mentioned what a safe space looks like, but I want you to be more specific so that way those who are listening can really hear out what goes through your mind from your perspective not necessarily just you, but generalized as a man from the amount of pressure that is put on you guys. I don't want people to get mad. Pressure is put on everyone in different ways, but this topic, I think, is very relative to the male so I would say the first thing is, whatever we express doesn't define who we are.
Speaker 2:Because it appears, at least from a male perspective, that a woman could cry and society will look at her, have pity on her and instead of calling her weak, they may say something such as she's going through a lot, so they'll rationalize and correct me. So, whatever she's going through, and understand that her emotion doesn't define who she is. It's more so. This is her reaction, I feel, like what the man is to complete opposite, where if a man were to show any kind of emotion or there's crying anger, he gets labeled as that. So I would say the first thing would be definitely understanding that whatever emotion we're experiencing or we're describing, that doesn't define who we are. And I would also say, maybe even more than that everyone has heard the saying what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. I would say it's the same thing for safe spaces. What?
Speaker 2:happens within a safe space, should remain in a safe space, because I could think, even within our relationship, there were a few times when I expressed myself and a comment was made later on, and even if the comment was innocent because I knew that it stemmed from a conversation that happened previously it automatically made me feel that I shouldn't have shared that. I shouldn't have shared that moment of frustration or pain or whatever it might be, and it naturally makes me think to myself. Next time I'm feeling this, I need to find another outlet, and I didn't realize that, how much I needed a safe space until I became a father. Actually, because, rightly so. The women goes through a lot. You went through a lot on a daily basis. Still, you go through more than I go through with our daughter. But it made me hesitate about my own emotion when I saw how much you were going through, and it's kind of like when people argue about who's more tired. It's like you both can be tired.
Speaker 1:You know you're both Different ways, but you're both tired, You're doing different tasks.
Speaker 2:So it wasn't until every time I wanted to express that I'm tired, I'm frustrated, I'm confused, I feel lonely, I feel drained. I would think of, well, she's more tired, she's probably more lonely, more drained, etc. And when I started speaking with other new fathers or people who have recently become fathers, I found it kind of relieving to be able to express myself. And they say yo, I understand that I get your frustration. One thing that someone actually told me that was such a relief for me.
Speaker 2:I don't have any experience babysitting or anything to that matter, so having a child to live with me is beyond brand new. They said this well, I read this prior to her being born that nothing can prepare you for parenthood. So I listened to lectures or watched YouTube videos, you know articles. It didn't do anything. So, speaking to a friend of mine who had his daughter a few years ago, but she's still fairly young, I'll never forget that he told me it gets a little easier after the first year and that meant so much for me to hear, because he was another man who, I'm sure, experienced the same confusion and frustration that I did. And I also want to add that, on top of living with the baby, living with a postpartum person is not easy at all.
Speaker 1:Exactly.
Speaker 2:It's not easy at all. So you combine everything and so you know one giant ball of stress, and it's understandable why men may break down. The world doesn't stop for men. So the moment that our daughter was born, I think I had probably like a week or two off from work two weeks and thankfully I work from home. But the stress of just my daily job duties, on top of living with a newborn, a wife who's postpartum, I felt that I was not allowed to not by you, but just by pressure Generally yeah, generally Not allowed to express my fears, my hesitation, you know, whatever I may be going through or experiencing, I felt that I wasn't able to do that. So that was really the moment where I realized that how beneficial it is to speak with someone who's in a similar position as you.
Speaker 1:Community.
Speaker 2:And the best part of that is, when I express certain things to them no matter even if they made a joke out of it because you know, guys always like to joke I didn't feel like they were defining me based off of the emotion that I was expressing, because they've experienced it, right, because they've experienced it, and I think that's the one thing that men typically lack in relationships is the understanding, the.
Speaker 2:I can share this with you and have peace of mind that, whether it's a day or two weeks or two years down the line, you're not going to take what I'm saying and prove to me that, although you said you weren't defining me by this, you are defining me by this, and I don't know how that could work and I don't know how possible it is to prevent that slip up, because I know things are said out of frustration and things are said out of context. You know, when you're wounded, anything hurts. It's trigger. Yeah, exactly, it's a trigger.
Speaker 2:So when you're wounded, anything hurts and that's one of the things that I've told myself that I need to give you grace with is trusting that when I express something to you even if you don't understand because you've never been in my shoes, you love, cherish respect and understand me enough where you're not going to purposely throw something back at me.
Speaker 2:And the moments where it does seem like that happened, where you've made a comment, where it's directly related to something I know I've shared with you, I kind of take a step back and reanalyze and say, even if she said that that wasn't her intention, but unfortunately it still affects you, unfortunately it still affects me and on top of that, most men, at least from my experience, don't have that luxury, don't have the luxury of expressing something confidently where they know, even if it comes back once I can express that hey look, you know, it just came back to me and we could have a conversation about it. Unfortunately, most men in society don't have that luxury, and that's the thing that pains me the most for them, that they're forced to walk around pretending that they're not hurt.
Speaker 1:They're okay, yeah.
Speaker 2:And we've said this recently before, or I've said this recently before that men are human beings. Yep, they experience the same emotions that women, the same exact ones that women experience. So that's why you have a lot of men who might go into drinking, they might want to, you know, just spend time in front of the TV, just kind of zoning things out, any kind of escape that they can find they're willing to take. And I think that's because the outlet that they needed they're not receiving.
Speaker 1:There's so much that I can say from a woman's perspective, but what I've learned with creating safe spaces for your spouse is you don't have to always give your point. You don't have to always say you tired, well, I'm tired. You don't have to always give facts or statements that you feel makes their situation to not be as bad as yours, and I think that's actually what the issue is, particularly in that example that you gave with being a new father that's something I've also heard people say where the man you know is feeling certain emotions. How dare you say you're tired? I'm waking up every one to two hours to breastfeed, and I think that's unfair. I had to really think about it and honestly, witnessing other people go through it, being able to look at it from the outside in, made me question myself. It made me stop and think do I do this to it? And then it made me more aware of my reactions and my actions. Because, of course, postpartum is difficult. You're hormonal, but no one can do that. You're not going to be able to do that. It's difficult. You're hormonal, but no one questions how the guy is dealing with a hormonal woman, because that's a lot.
Speaker 1:When I lived with females, when we were all menstruating. That used to drive us wild dealing with each other. So can you imagine a man having to deal with it and not even understand it? But that's just the bare minimum and I think we're creating safe spaces. The important factor is to stop seeing yourself in every single aspect of the conversation or what is being expressed to you. Like you said, what's said in a safe space should stay in a safe space. But I'll also add that what's said in a safe space is not intended to hurt you, is not intended to offend you. It has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with what that person is feeling, and we say this all the time. Well, I say this all the time that even when you don't understand what someone is expressing, even if you don't agree with what they're expressing, the point is that they feel it and that's why they're expressing it.
Speaker 1:And I think sometimes in relationships we fail to recognize that it's not about who's right or wrong. It's not about throwing facts, emotions or emotions. It may be something that's, like you said, is triggering you. Based on a past experience as your spouse, I should be able to provide that environment where I don't need to constantly throw it back at you and say, well, you said this. And most of the times when we make those comments and we respond in that way, we start to put ourselves in the situation when, again, it has nothing to do with us. So I appreciate you being that transparent about everything that you said, because I feel like that's what men need to hear.
Speaker 1:I'm not saying it's not difficult, super difficult for a woman. I'm not saying that women out here listening to this may think I'm more tired than my husband. I'm this, that and the third. But one conversation Sam and I had, we had to recognize that it's not about who's more tired One, what you can deal with I may not be able to deal with, and what I can deal with you may not be able to deal with. So who are we to find the level of tiredness on a spectrum or whatever that situation may be. It's not about who's more or who's less. It's understanding that you made a choice to operate with this person as a team and as a team. There are days where we've said this before you may be 10 and I may be 90. You may be 100 and I'm zero. The point is you're a team and once you comprehend that it's not about you all the time, especially in creating safe spaces for your spouse, particularly for a man who's already told every single day, even growing up as a boy, that he's not allowed to show his emotions because it's a sign of weakness as your significant other, I feel like one of my roles is to reverse that in a sense. My goal as your spouse is to help you understand that, while the world may think that about you, you should be able to come home and put away your weapons, put away the mask, put away the facade and be authentically who you are, and in doing so, that will create a space where you will be able to be more vulnerable going forward.
Speaker 1:Not saying that there won't be times where, like you said, comments are mentioned later down the line or something is said that was due to a conversation that we had and to touch on that, I feel like also, sometimes it's because we care. So, like you said, it's not that the comments are said to intentionally hurt you. Let me give an example so that can be a little bit more understanding. Let's say you're worried about financial issues or whatever the case is, and you start to feel a little bit self-doubt and you come to me, for whatever reason, to discuss it and I listen out to everything that you're saying. I motivate you and encourage you, you go back to do your thing and then two weeks later I mentioned something to the extent of I'm thinking I should get a job or something Coming from that situation. I may be seeing it in the sense of my husband's tired. He's feeling drained. Let me help him out. But because of the conversation you're now triggered, thinking she doesn't think I could do this, she doesn't think I can lead.
Speaker 1:So it's having those conversations to understand that sometimes what you think the person means is not what they mean, while there are situations where women do get disrespectful and that's an honest thing too. But you also have to consider that as much as you, as the man, have been brainwashed to believe that emotional expression is a sign of weakness, we've been brainwashed as well. I've heard women say this they don't wanna see their man cry. I remember having a conversation with someone and we were talking about wedding days and they made a comment to the extent of their husband better not cry when they're walking down the aisle, and I could not understand it At the time. I did not get it. I was like, huh, you don't want him to cry tears of joy as he sees the woman of his dreams walking down an aisle and he gets to now marry you. But that's just to show you how much society has effed us up.
Speaker 2:It's funny you say that, because I'm sure everyone can recall an episode from one of their favorite sitcoms where the guy is being told by his girlfriend that he needs to express more and at first he pushes back, but once he starts, the floodgates open. There's a lot of truth to that, I agree. I think that's one of the reasons, or at least that's one of the reasons I did this when I put up my guard and I didn't let my guard down. It's because I knew that there was a floodgate behind there and any little crack within that wall, within that barrier, will just unleash everything. And my advice to everyone out there, whether you're male or female, is learn to show great compassion. That's the first thing and also let your man express himself the way he needs to express himself.
Speaker 2:One of the reasons why guys navigate towards other guys as far as expressing their emotion and not being worried about being judged, it's because they can express themselves the way they see fit.
Speaker 2:If that means aggression, it's aggression and I think, within the dynamics of a traditional relationship.
Speaker 2:I know for myself I've had to hold back a lot of aggression and I still don't know how to do it, to be honest, how to express my aggression. So I've resulted in just simple blank statements such as I'm angry, when really I may have more to that, but I'm not sure how to express that in a way where now you won't be concerned, because you can have the sweetest guy in the world and he could show a level of aggression that might look scary, but it's just male nature, and I think a lot of times men are not allowed to express themselves how they need to express themselves and also when they need to express themselves. So I think it's important to create an environment where they can go in and express themselves when they see fit, because there's been times before where the moment I wanted to express myself for one reason or another, I couldn't, or I didn't see those fit. And then maybe later down the line you might come to me say you want to talk about something, and by that time it's like you've handled it.
Speaker 2:I've handled it or I'm over it.
Speaker 2:You know, I don't really want to talk about it anymore, and I heard someone say this recently too, which was great. He said men and women operate differently. Where women will kind of sit in their emotion and, you know, think it out, you know, feel what they're feeling Guys are more. So, okay, I'm sad or I'm angry. Why am I angry? I'm angry because XYZ, what could I do about it? Okay, I can. You guys are problem solvers. Yeah, problem solved. So it's really you have a small window to let the guy express himself before he's already handled it or he's already over it. And I think that's one of the main communication issues is letting the man express himself, the way he needs to express himself and when he needs to express himself.
Speaker 1:And I think that's why there needs to be balance. I tell you this all the time. That's why I feel, just as women have girl nights out and they have a small group of friends that they may get together with, or even if it's one girl friend that they get together to kind of let loose and let go, men, I believe, need the same, and in your case I tell you this all the time where men need community just as much as women do, because, like you just stated, there's certain levels of expression that only a man will comprehend because he's going through it too. It's the same with women. There's certain things that I'm feeling. I'm like there's no point of telling you what are you going to do for me? Like, honestly, what are you going to do for me? And I'm pretty sure it's the same vice versa.
Speaker 1:But that's why there needs to be a balance where you have community and in having community, that aggression or that those emotions are able to be released in a healthy way, where it's not internalized, so long that it does come out as a scary form of aggression. Because I don't think there's anything wrong with frustration and anger and even punching things just to get aggression out, right, I think that's OK Not in the house, you know what I mean Like activities where you can. I've heard guys say that's why they enjoy playing sports because they get to like get mad and angry and no one's looking at them funny, because it's like everyone's doing it. So I think that's important to have community and in releasing those emotions in a healthy way or regularly. Now, when you come home and your spouse is also providing a safe space for you One, it won't come out in an outburst, because what you said sounded more like you've internalized it so much that now it's exploding.
Speaker 1:But if you have different forms or different ways to express the things that you are dealing with or what you're feeling, whether that's a group of guys, whether that's a sport like boxing, whatever that may look like, because that's different for every person it won't come out in the form of a crazy outburst. There's nothing wrong with expressing anger, because we all go through all these type of emotions, and I think that's the problem with society making us think that, no, talking a calm voice, well, yeah, that's the goal, but in the moment of anger you're angry. You know what I mean. So that's why I believe it's important to have community and have different ways to express those emotions. I'm loving this conversation and there's so much more to cover pertaining to creating safe spaces for men, so we're going to have to cut this episode and continue on and create a part two of creating safe spaces specifically for men.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so come back this time next week and we'll continue the conversation.
Speaker 1:Thank you for spending your time with us. We hope you gain some knowledge today that will promote poise in your life. We have new episodes uploaded every Thursday right here. Same place, same time. Until next time, you can follow us on Instagram at noirpoisepodcast to stay connected. That's N O I R P O I S E D podcast. We'd love to hear your feedback.
Speaker 2:And remember your wisdom is power.