NOIRPOISED Podcast

Learning to Be Vulnerable

• NOIRPOISED • Season 1 • Episode 1

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Have you ever considered the strength that lies in your most private moments of openness? We're tackling the often misunderstood concept of vulnerability and its surprising role in shaping genuine leadership and deeper human connections. From the quiet introspection of the introverted mind to the societal masks that men are urged to wear, we unravel the fabric of emotional intelligence and its essential place in our personal growth. This episode isn't just about the tender emotions we shield from the world; it's about discovering the paradoxical power that comes from our willingness to be seen in our authentic state.

We're sharing our own stories, opening the floor for a candid dialogue on how being emotionally exposed can forge stronger bonds and invite a deeper level of intimacy in our relationships. It's a conversation that challenges us to redefine strength and to support each other through the cultural shifts necessary for emotional expression to flourish.

Finally, we cast our gaze on the communities we cultivate around us. We discuss the magnetic pull of the energy we exude and the importance of being surrounded by individuals who push us to grow and reflect our core values.

Send us your questions and/or topic suggestions here

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Ruth:

Welcome to the Noirp po P Podcast, where wisdom is power is more than just a motto.

Sam:

It's our way of life. While we don't claim to have all the answers, we're dedicated to delving deeper into different topics through meaningful conversations. As a duo, we bring different viewpoints to the table, enriching our joint journey towards growth and poise.

Ruth:

Join us as we explore and unlearn to relearn, while striving to navigate life with poise.

Sam:

I had an epiphany over the weekend. Are you ready to hear it?

Ruth:

Yeah.

Sam:

I realize that I'm not as introverted as I thought I was. I just have a hard time with being vulnerable.

Ruth:

Thank, you, Because I've been saying that for years You're not. You always claim you're so introverted and I'm like no, you're not.

Sam:

B o, c. S, I think a lot of people can relate to what I'm about to say. I am an introvert, but I'm also a trained extrovert. So I think a lot of people might see me in social situations and think that I'm not introverted, but I am introverted, but I'm not as introverted as I thought I was. Let me give you an example. So I love being alone.

Ruth:

And.

Sam:

I'm sure every introvert would say the same thing Absolutely, they love being alone. So that part of me I don't think will ever change. I do love being alone. The part of me that I realize wasn't as introverted is having personal conversations with people, oh okay. So I think naturally introverts, you just want to be to yourself, keep everything service level, not necessarily want to share, and I assumed, or I believe, that I fell right into that category. But over the weekend we met up with some loved ones and we're having some deep conversations, as you and I love to do, and I said something out loud that I never thought I would be able to say Got you. And what surprised me the most is how good it felt to reveal a personal experience of mine and not necessarily hold it in. So that's when I realized that I'm not as introverted as I thought I was. I just don't feel comfortable or don't like to be vulnerable.

Ruth:

That's normal. I feel like that doesn't necessarily mean you're not as introverted, because introverted people have no problem sometimes expressing themselves if they've matured emotionally to do so. As you were saying that I was like hold up. Let me look up the definition of a real introverted person just to see what it is, Because you know, sometimes we have ideas of what something is and then we're meeting which is like wait, hold up. So it says an introvert is a person with qualities of a personality type known as introversion, which means that they feel more comfortable focusing on their inner thoughts and ideas rather than what's happening externally. They enjoy spending time with just one or two people rather than large groups or crowds. So I don't think it's necessary that you're not as introverted. I think that was just a sign of growth. That's interesting, yeah.

Sam:

I think that's interesting. And I say that's interesting because, again from my experience, I never thought I'd like spending time with people. There are people who I enjoy their company for, you know, maybe a few hours, but even then I cannot wait to retreat into isolation. Right, I understand that. But over the weekend I had this realization that I can actually enjoy the company of others more than I allowed myself to if I'm willing to be more vulnerable, and that's the epiphany that I had. That made me look at two things differently. One, I need to keep learning about myself, of course, always, you never stop learning about yourself. And two, it also made me think about what does it mean to be vulnerable? And looking at that just that last statement within myself, I struggled to define exactly what it is.

Ruth:

I think a lot of people do Me myself. I struggle with being vulnerable as well, and we all struggle with it for different reasons, whatever that may be, but the actual meaning of vulnerability is just the quality or state of being exposed to, the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally. It's a state of emotional exposure that comes with a degree of uncertainty. That's basically what it is and yeah, right, I know it sounds who wants to put themselves in that position.

Sam:

That definition just made it worse for me.

Ruth:

That's the thing, like when you hear that is like, okay, I'm going to keep retreating to myself and keeping my emotions to myself. And I think many people struggle with knowing what vulnerability actually is. So to me, vulnerability is basically being able to express yourself without focusing on the reactions that you may get from others, whether that's their thoughts, their opinions or the reactions. And I think a lot of people struggle with vulnerability, probably because who wants to be in a position to potentially be hurt? Right? It's kind of like when you hear people talk about love. When you trust someone, you literally give them the option to hurt you. You're putting your trust in them, and I see vulnerability in a similar way. You're opening yourself emotionally to potentially be hurt by someone or potentially be judged, potentially be shamed or embarrassed, and all of these fears tend to be what a lot of people struggle with, myself included.

Ruth:

I'm very introverted, I'm very private, I'm very to myself. If someone knows something about me, nine times out of 10, I know who you heard it from, because I have a group of friends, I have my close cousins and I don't tell everyone everything. I may tell one person one thing and if another friend heard about it sis, I know it was you and I've always operated that way, which has worked to my benefit. But I'm also learning that sometimes you have to self-reflect. Like I've been saying over and over again, self-reflect and recognize what traits may be toxic and vulnerability is something that I personally struggle with. That loss of self is the reason why I don't like to share much.

Sam:

What do you mean by a first loss of self?

Ruth:

I've always felt like giving people information about my deep rooted feelings about certain things or my experience, you know, being vulnerable. I almost feel like I basically what we just said I give that person the opportunity to kind of backstab me, I give that person the opportunity to spread information about me and it makes me very uncomfortable.

Sam:

It makes sense because with the definition that you use being exposed. You know, being exposed to scrutiny, whether that's emotional, mental. It makes sense that if you put yourself in a position of being vulnerable, you kind of lose control.

Ruth:

Yes, that's what it is. That's exactly what it is. That literally wasn't epiphany for me. Hmm, that, maybe that's that's how I should have worded it. I lose control. It's interesting that, and I need control.

Sam:

It's interesting that you compare being vulnerable with being in love, because I'm not going to lie. As soon as you read off that definition of being vulnerable, I confirmed in my mind I cannot be vulnerable, because, of course, who wants to put themselves in the position to be harmed, to be exposed or even attacked? But when you think about it, just as you mentioned, when you're in love or you're seeking love, or in a relationship that involves love whether the spouse, soul, you know, family, friends, whatever it might be there are negative risks to it, right, but the benefits outweigh the risk Right so.

Sam:

I'm glad that you put that into perspective. I would have never compared being vulnerable with love or any kind of positive outcome and, similarly to you, I fear losing control. The way I think and I'm sure many other people think the same way is as long as it's in my thoughts, I can control the outcome.

Ruth:

Right, right.

Sam:

Nobody needs to know I'm hurt, right. But once I put it out there and I'm sure everyone can relate, you might express something to someone that you're hurt or you're sad, and you know. Some time passed by and you're over it. But then a week later, some of the approaching you say how are you with?

Ruth:

X, y and Z, you're like oh man, I regret that happening.

Sam:

I hate that, and I grew up in an environment where I witnessed secrets being spilled regularly, regularly embarrassing secrets, things that you thought someone would have the common sense not to share. And I remember one time specifically, I had a mutual friend of a friend come to me and say how is so and so doing? I heard he's going through X, y and Z, and now this friend didn't tell me he was going through X, y and Z, right?

Ruth:

But now you know.

Sam:

But now I know because, and he, doesn't know, you know. Well, I ended up telling him, you know smart move, just so you know.

Sam:

Yeah, just be careful what you say to people, because not everyone knows when to keep their mouth quiet Exactly. And I use examples like that to just keep my emotions to myself, keep my thoughts to myself, keep my feelings to myself. And it definitely became detrimental to, I think, my mental health. But on top of the fear of losing control or fear of being exposed, I noticed that one of the things that even now, currently I struggle with being vulnerable about is I feel like I have no time to be vulnerable, so life comes at you so fast that sometimes you don't have the opportunity to take a step back and process or sit in your emotions.

Sam:

I'm not sure if you're the same way, but oftentimes I don't even understand how I really feel.

Ruth:

Yeah.

Sam:

Am I angry, am I sad, am I frustrated, am I confused? And I've always told myself before I share anything, I need to understand what I feel. But the problem with that is sometimes when you vocalize it.

Ruth:

That's when you really begin to understand what you're feeling Right.

Sam:

That you really begin to understand what you're feeling. So it's difficult to balance things out.

Ruth:

I agree with that, and there's so much to unpack in what you just said. You even gave an example of someone that you knew who was vulnerable with another individual and that individual felt the need to come let you know about it. Right, and I feel like that happens all the time and that's one of my fears as well. Like I told you earlier, I've learned to grow with being more vulnerable because, like I said earlier, it's not a good trait to have when you are unable to be vulnerable. I'm not saying to be vulnerable with everyone, but I've learned over time the importance of finding your community and being vulnerable with them. Being unable to be vulnerable is not something we're born with. It's learned. You learn to not be vulnerable. My opinion, you learn based on whether watching and witnessing other people be embarrassed, hurt, shamed in certain situations when they were vulnerable. You learn based on hearing people vocalize their thoughts, whether that's men aren't supposed to be weak or you know what I mean Little comments like that. You learn that you should not be vulnerable.

Sam:

I agree with that because it makes me think of children. When a toddler wants to cry, they cry, but I'm sure everyone remembers if it's not you someone that you knew as a toddler being called a cry baby, and what happens? Naturally they start to fight back their tears.

Ruth:

They try to cry in secret.

Sam:

And so you're 100% right. I think not being able to be vulnerable is not natural to us. It's something that we've unfortunately learned along the way, right.

Ruth:

Through society or through our family members, through our personal experiences. Sometimes it's not even in our personal experiences, but watching someone else's personal experience, like the example you just gave, that taught you oh, copy not sharing my info, because look at what happened to so and so and that can carry on in so many different ways. That experience that you had created a wound. That wound could just be a quote, unquote lesson. Your brain is telling you this is what happened when this happened, so now you need to move this way to avoid this from happening to you. So being hurt prior or witnessing someone in a situation that was hurt through vulnerability, will naturally cause you to stay away from being vulnerable. So we struggle with vulnerability due to the trauma that we've experienced or the trauma we've watched others experience, and we've taught ourselves that behavior to withhold from sharing.

Sam:

I want to actually add to that. I'm not sure if pressure could be included in trauma, but I know that one of the reasons why I struggle with being vulnerable is pressure Explain. I'm someone who, for example, my family has always looked to me for answers. People have always looked to me for answers, so naturally, when you're put in that position, you feel like if I show weakness then they can't count on you. They can't count on me.

Ruth:

Yeah.

Sam:

And that's real People. That is real. Unfortunately, that is one of the struggles of being what people would call a leader Anyone that wants to take the mantle and lead, whether it's by example, at home or at work or just around their peers. Unfortunately, you also take on that pressure of always knowing what to do and the moment you don't know what to do, you start to feel that pressure that, like I, can't show other people that I don't know what to do. I can't show people that I'm confused or hurt, because if they're looking to me for answers and I'm showing them that listen, I'm just like you, they will start to lose faith. They will start to lose hope, and not even faith in you, just hope in a better life. So one of the things that caused me to not be as vulnerable growing up is that pressure that people look to you for the answers.

Ruth:

I feel like that's definitely something a lot of people in leadership positions deal with, even if it's not a leadership position as far as title. But if you're in a family, like you said, where everyone's counting on you, the responsibility is on you, you naturally start to subconsciously learn that you have to set an example or you have to be the person who can be there for everyone, and people don't realize that when that occurs, you often take on that behavior where you can't let your guard down because you have to put on this facade that you are capable without disappointing anyone. Yeah right, it's unfortunate that that's the case and I feel like society has put that in our minds, that that's what it is, because in reality it really isn't. Sometimes I really believe that we put certain pressures on ourselves and if we were to have a vulnerable conversation with loved ones not saying that this is the case all the time, but in a lot of cases they probably disagree, right, but you won't know unless you're vulnerable enough to have that conversation I feel that society places that pressure on us and we learn through watching or hearing certain things that we automatically must follow these orders when we're in this particular position, when, again, that's not the case.

Ruth:

Vulnerability is actually a sign of strength, it's a sign of courage, it's a sign of authenticity, it's a sign of confidence, because you're literally putting yourself out there and not caring what others have to say, because you're comfortable in who you are and your authentic self, that you are not worried by the reactions or the thoughts or what others have to say, because you know your truth. So, to me, when I think of that, that makes me think of strength, that makes me think of courage. You know, but unfortunately, society views vulnerability as a weakness, or they've implanted in our minds that vulnerability is a weakness. You know, there's so many different examples that I can give One of them that comes to mind because of what you were saying.

Ruth:

When you said a leader position, I naturally thought of men. I thought of the fact that men often are told that they are unable to be vulnerable. I also think it's funny, because women or people want men to be vulnerable, but they don't want everything that comes with vulnerability. You want him to open up his emotions but don't cry. You want him to express his fears but act like he doesn't feel them. So I feel like society has placed those type of thoughts in our mind and when I really break it down, like in detail, we're contradicting ourselves. We're really contradicting ourselves. So we have to reverse that and recognize that vulnerability is not a weakness and everything that comes with vulnerability whether that's emotional appearance, whether that's vocalizing, whether that's outbursts, whatever that may look like. In order to get to a healthy space of vocalizing yourself and being vulnerable in a healthy manner, you kind of have to take the way it comes out in the beginning. That's how people grow, that's how people mature emotionally.

Sam:

It's interesting that you mentioned the societal views of men being vulnerable, because I personally believe that society as a whole isn't ready for men to be vulnerable, and when I say society, that's not just targeted towards women, I think even men ourselves. We're not ready to generally accept the vulnerable population, and I say that because men have two state of thoughts we're either at war or we're at peace, and if we're at war we can't show any kind of weakness, whether that's being vulnerable or not. But if we're at peace, it's easier for us to vocalize certain things. I would even compare it to it being a predator versus a prey. It sounds crazy, but in the animal kingdom, when you're a predator, you don't have the opportunity to show any kind of weakness. If you are weak, if you're injured, guess what? You retreat and you go somewhere until you're healed and then come back into the field.

Sam:

Men work the same way where we're concerned, that if we are open or vulnerable which even according to the definition, you open yourself up to be attacked, to be harmed, to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, whether that's mentally, emotionally or whatever, if we are vulnerable, we may never recover from an attack, and I think that's the number one fear within the mind of a man is if I open myself up and I'm attacked, I may never recover from it.

Sam:

And they may actually lead to a domino effect where if I open up to someone and I'm not well received, then that's only going to cause me to hide my emotions even more and, on top of hiding it, that's going to cause me to say things or do things that tries to prove a point. So, for example, if I open up and I start crying and you call me weak or you show me or you make me think that I'm weak, then I'll probably go the rest of my life showing you that nothing in this world could make me cry again. And I think, unfortunately, until we get to a place in society where we understand that men are human beings too, absolutely, we cry, we get angry, we get frustrated confused.

Ruth:

You're human.

Sam:

We're human and if we share something is not to in a sense lower ourselves, but it's just opening up our hearts, our minds. I think when we finally get to that place in society, we'll have healthier men. I agree. I actually read a stat that said that men are more than three times likely to commit suicide. Yeah, I've heard that before, but at the same time, women are more likely the ones to share their emotions. So it clearly shows that there's something that's going on within the lack of vulnerability. Right.

Ruth:

Yeah, absolutely. I agree with everything you just said. That's a topic I feel like we'd have to discuss in detail because it's unfortunate, but society has made it so men don't feel comfortable being vulnerable. But in general, the lack of vulnerability can cause so many issues, not just in relationships but internally. You know, like you just said, so many men commit suicide because clearly there's a difference there.

Ruth:

Women are more likely to be emotional, and when I say emotional, I want to clarify that emotional does not mean always crying about things, because I think that's also the misconception with terms, not understanding vocabulary. Being emotional does not mean I'm expressing the emotion in tears. Anger is an emotion, sadness is an emotion, life is an emotion. All of these things are different type of emotions, and so to think that whenever someone's being emotional, they're crying is completely false. You can be vulnerable and be open, be emotional without tears falling down your face. Now, if you choose to express it in the form of tears, there's also nothing wrong with that as well.

Ruth:

So I think the lack of vulnerability affects relationships in so many different ways. It prevents growth both in relationships and internally, because showing vulnerability helps you to grow internally emotional intelligence and being able to mature in a way where, like I said earlier, you build your confidence, you build authenticity. You find yourself in being vulnerable, because if you're withholding from being vulnerable and you're internalizing all of these emotions, you don't have anyone to piggyback on these thoughts or feelings that you're going through. One, you naturally leave yourself to believe only the things that you believe. And as humans, we need to connect, we need to socialize with people. That's just part of our natural nature as human beings, right. And so one of the things I feel like we don't recognize because we're always so focused on how people not being vulnerable affects relationships they don't recognize how much of internal growth you're missing out on.

Sam:

Growing up, I always had to put other people's emotions before myself, and I think that this past year, or over a year ago, I think I was the least vulnerable that I've ever been in my entire life, and that was purposely so. Of course, we had just had our daughter. There was a lot going on and I remember that I think it was my mother. She didn't ask me how I was doing, of course it was about the mom right.

Sam:

Of course it was a difficult time. You know, anytime a child is born it changes everything. But I'll never forget that she, without asking me how I was coping or doing, she told me to be patient with you and of course she's not the only person that said that. And I totally get that and understand that. But for some reason it hit me a little bit differently. But it was just another reminder how I'm always having to put other people's emotions before myself. So I remember literally thinking to myself whatever you do, don't say you're hurt, don't say you're angry, don't say you're frustrated, don't say you're upset, don't say you're scared. Just avoid all that.

Sam:

And I remember in the beginning it was a little bit difficult. I think it wouldn't actually come out and we would have conversations. But after each conversation I pushed myself down. I was disappointed in myself for sharing and I remember it got to the point where it was normal for me not to share my true feelings. It didn't hit me until one time you told me that you have to pull things out of me. When you asked me how I'm feeling. I'm good and it became so natural that I didn't realize that I was doing it.

Sam:

Naturally it started to take a toll in our relationship. We started to be a little bit more distant Because you were sharing with me and I wasn't necessarily sharing with you, and you could tell that of course we've known each other for a very long time Without me saying anything. You could look at the back of my head and see when I'm bothered or not. But I read this quote from Dr Brandy Brown, who does a lot of research on being vulnerable. She said through my research I have found that vulnerability is the glue that holds relationships together. It's the magic sauce.

Ruth:

I agree.

Sam:

And I found that when I started to become more vulnerable, our relationship grew naturally. So I say all that to say while society makes it seem that not being vulnerable means you're strong or it's a positive thing, especially from a man's perspective I've found more benefits in being vulnerable than not being vulnerable, because the time when I was holding everything in it was killing me and realistically, you can never hold it in. That's the big lesson that.

Ruth:

I learned. I'm glad you said that that was what I was going to say.

Sam:

You could never really hold it in. It's going to come out somehow some way.

Ruth:

You're projected in different ways.

Sam:

You're projected in different ways. You might get a little angrier, but it's those emotions trying to really pierce this way out of your mouth, out of your mind, out of your heart. So, instead of letting it come out in a negative way, I learned that it's best to vocalize it. It doesn't have to be positive, of course, but I learned that it's best not to hold it in.

Ruth:

Absolutely. I agree with you, and you kind of took the words out of my mouth. That was literally what I was waiting to say because I was like I want to say this yeah, vulnerability, you think that holding those emotions in is doing you a service, but, like you just said, it comes out in different forms. And I think that's also another issue is not recognizing what emotions we actually feel. I think as people sometimes we lack vocabulary and understanding for what certain feelings or what certain emotions are and we then, I feel like automatically we're angry, everything is, I'm angry, but not realizing that there's so many emotions that are out there that will lead to expression of anger if it's not released. So, recognizing that when you hold those emotions in the hurt, the sadness, the disappointment, the frustration, the grief you know those emotions, it will come out one way or another. You may not think it does, but trust me, it does. And that's one thing I had to learn for myself. Like I've mentioned before, I'm not a natural vulnerable person. Anyone who knows me will tell you that it's difficult to get information out of me about emotions.

Ruth:

I recently, the past couple years, started trying to self reflect and I recognize that by internalizing my emotions and not being vocal has often come out in the form of anger. And I noticed that years ago where I would have random outbursts, like I would hold something in for so long and something would happen and I would have an outburst and people are looking at me like why are you so mad about this situation? But what I had to recognize was it wasn't that specific situation, it was a buildup of different events that occurred consistently with that person or whatever the cases, or internally that I did not release or vocalize or found ways to cope with. And when something minor occurred, it came out in such a drastic response because I did not let those emotions out. So sometimes you think that internalizing things is safe and it's better for you.

Ruth:

If you really pay attention to the details of your actions, you'll often find that it is being expressed in some way, shape or form. And even as I was like thinking about this episode, I was like, oh snap, yeah, mute. That's also. It's an expression of internalizing things. While I need it to some extent because I'm an introvert and I need to process my thoughts, there's points where I'm mute and I'm angry and that's why I'm mute.

Ruth:

I think I said it before to you where I was like I go mute because I don't want to say or act out in a type of way, and I had to ask myself well, why? Why do you have anger where you feel like if you act out on your emotions it may offend someone? And I had to realize this because of a buildup of internalizing emotions, and so it comes out in that form now, rather than the anger that it would come out in years ago. It often comes out in the form of me going mute, which is not healthy for a relationship in general. Now, if it's mute, like I need space for the moment, that's fine.

Ruth:

But I think, having the balance, recognizing that you can't do too much of one thing and understanding why you do something. So I say all that to say that it is not beneficial to not know how to be vulnerable, and it's something that, like we said, we're both currently working on. But I wanted to mention the signs of emotionally unavailable individuals, because I feel like sometimes we don't know what to look for or what to pick up to recognize if we do struggle with this or not. And these are three that I found the fear of intimacy, trouble expressing your emotions, of course, and then this one was a surprise to me but commitment anxiety, because I hear people say that all the time, particularly men, where they don't want to be in a relationship. I hear a lot of men say that they don't want to get married and that is a form of commitment anxiety.

Sam:

Why do you say it like that?

Ruth:

No, because I think that's one of the views society have, where men saying that comment or having that mindset it's accepted. If a woman says it, it's not accepted the same way, but it's accepted by men. And I had to put two and two together. I was like, is it because we don't let them be vulnerable that we're just like? Yeah, it makes sense, men are like this.

Sam:

No, I really believe it's the lack of vulnerability that could be it, because, yeah, not to go too far into it, but it's common knowledge that once a man enters a relationship, he loses his freedom, whether that's freedom of thought like this. We joke about this all time. You'll ask me what I want to eat and I'll say, and then you'll be like, no, that's not it, what? So I think sometimes men just take that thought too far right which is why they're afraid of commitment.

Sam:

They know, you know, one site. I say yes society taught you.

Ruth:

That's what I really think. I think society has really just taught us a bunch of information that isn't exactly true. Not saying there's not truth to it, but I believe you make things what you want to make them you know, right. Recognizing the signs of being emotionally unavailable is very important because if if you know what to look for, then you know if you deal with this, and if you know that you deal with this now, you can then start moving forward with how to start on making it better, on on healing from it.

Sam:

What changed for me, apart from realizing that if I'm not vulnerable, I'm gonna end up losing the person that I love, even if we stay together, the connection it's not there, wouldn't be there anymore, and I had to realize that that is a possibility. Sometimes we take things for granted and we think whatever we have now is going to last forever. No, you need to maintain what you have, absolutely so. That was definitely an eye-opener for me, but the thing that I had to do for myself is accepting that I had these emotions and it didn't make me any less than right so, listening to your vocabulary, I would definitely agree that I didn't have.

Ruth:

Maybe still not, but I didn't have the vocabulary to express myself, for example.

Sam:

I thought the emotions were happy, sad, mad slash, angry that's most people you is one of those three.

Sam:

Are you happy, are you sad, are you angry? The thought of me being annoyed never came to mind. I knew of annoying people, but I didn't know that I could be annoyed. I just said, okay, either sad or angry. And this times when I'm annoyed, I'm like I'm not really sad and I'm not to the point of angry. So what am I? I don't know. I'm just going to hold it in, but definitely increasing my vocabulary, knowing that this times where I'm not annoyed, I'm just frustrated right.

Sam:

I'm not angry, I'm sad, I'm disappointed, you know, and I had to accept that. I had these emotions and, no matter what I say, it wouldn't make me less than that was such an amazing moment for me to know that I can say this and process in my mind that when I'm saying this, I'm not saying it to receive any feedback.

Sam:

I think that's that is literally what could make or break people is if are you being vulnerable to get feedback or are you being vulnerable just to get something off your chest, and I would encourage everyone to learn to be vulnerable without expecting any kind of feedback, because the whole point, the reason why people are so afraid of vulnerability, is because of the fear of the reactions that they will get if you're not focusing on that.

Sam:

It makes being vulnerable so much more easier, right and even if you're like me and you struggle to really articulate how you're feeling this times when I've approached you and I just said I'm sad. I don't know what else of it, but I'm sad or I'm annoyed, I'm angry, and another thing that's helped me is to say I'm upset.

Ruth:

I'm not ready to speak about it, right that helps us a lot, I think right, because I do the same and it definitely does help like just letting your significant other know what you're feeling, but that you don't need to express details about that feeling in a moment.

Sam:

But it kind of allows them to show you grace, allows them to be a little bit more patient with you, you know definitely, and once I started to understand that I don't necessarily need someone to give me advice when I'm expressing my emotion, it's more so for me. It was a big game changer for me where. I can walk in and I could say I don't know why, but I'm feeling really happy right now because a lot of times we think being vulnerable is just about the negative. No, it's positive too it's everything.

Sam:

There are times when I'm super excited about something and believe it or not. As crazy as it may sound, society doesn't just teach men that they can't show the negative emotions, it shows you you can't show the positive emotions, right? If you see a man acting excessively happy, you look at him like you, are you okay, you know. So it's been really beneficial to understand that I can vocalize without expecting any kind of feedback, so that way, if I do get any negative feedback guess what? I wasn't thinking about, that I wasn't doing it for feedback, I was doing it for myself.

Ruth:

I love that and I agree with that. It reminds me of what I told you quite some time ago, where I read about a couple that they learned over time that when having a difficult conversation, especially vulnerability that the other partner would ask the one who's expressing. Do you want to provide this information for me to give you feedback or do you want to provide this information as a venting process? And I think sometimes that is very helpful in all type of relationships understanding if that person who's being vulnerable with you sometimes they just need a listening ear. Are they venting or do they need your feedback or want your feedback? But I agree with you as far as recognizing that being vulnerable is more important to be about self, because that's what led me to being able to be more vulnerable is being able to recognize that it's more so about authenticity and about self growth and self improvement. So I love that you said that, because I was gonna follow up with self awareness, because I feel like when you are trying to be vulnerable, it's important to have self awareness.

Ruth:

And what I mean by self awareness? I mean self reflecting on what makes it difficult for you to be vulnerable, recognizing is it internal or is it external? Is it deep rooted within you, where it just makes you feel uncomfortable because of past experiences or your thoughts or things that you've learned from society? Or is it you don't feel safe with the people that you have around you? And I think that's important to differentiate when figuring out if it's a you problem or if it's a them problem. That's big, because a lot of times I think we tend to think it's a them problem, but sometimes it's actually a you problem and then vice versa. But self reflect, I think, is one of the core ways of figuring out or at least where to start when trying to get into a place of being a little bit more vulnerable and seeking foundational issues and where it began for you, if it's internal, also asking yourself what are you afraid of?

Ruth:

This is what I did. What are you afraid of? Are you afraid of being embarrassed? Are you afraid of being hurt? Challenge yourself to face those fears, and that's what I did. But before doing so, I think it's important to know if your environment is safe, so surrounding yourself with trustworthy people, knowing who your people are, who your community is. And if you don't have one, build one. And in the meantime of building one you can do self reflecting exercises that will help you be a little bit more vocal or vulnerable with your emotions, whether that's journaling, meditating, these are different forms of things that you can do on your own to be more vulnerable and more in touch with your emotions. Naturally, those type of exercises will help you with emotional growth.

Sam:

Could you give a practical example of how someone would build their community?

Ruth:

Yeah, well, I feel like a lot of people already have people in their lives and don't recognize it for a long time. And I'm saying this out of experience, because for a long time I felt like I had no one. And if you look from the outside in, you say it all the time you think I have so many friends, you think I have so many family members, and sometimes there are a lot of people, but that doesn't mean there are a lot of quality people. So for me, that was one of the things that I had to really process and then recognize that I did have a selected few that I could grow with. So I started with having more in-depth conversations. I'm a strong believer in if you're trying to build community, you have to have the hard conversations, and when I say hard, I don't mean like it has to be like crazy things that's gonna offend the person or offend you, but have conversations that will lead you to understand the person a little bit more what their values, morals are, what their future plans are. Is this someone that you want in your circle? Because, like we always hear, you're the average of the five closest people to you. I was reminded of this the other day and I really had to like think about it. I was like, hmm, who are my five closest people? And I think I asked you the question too. But you literally become who you're surrounded by.

Ruth:

So building community is not just a vulnerability thing. Like in general, we need community, we need people. Like I said earlier, as humans we crave connections, we crave social interactions. So in order to build a community, I would say first think about those that you already have now, and it doesn't have to be a lot of people. You can find your one person that you can start with, and start with that. But before doing so you have to do the self-work. So I would say, think about who you have in your circle now, who you talk to, who you feel you have more in-depth conversations with, and, if you do, try to do it a little bit more often, try to start certain conversations that will lead you to understand what that person is about on a deeper level. Move away from surface level questions and conversations and have more in-depth conversations. That will naturally cause you to walk away from the conversation a little bit more wiser.

Ruth:

So I would say that start with that. That's what I personally did. I started reflecting on my circle and the people I keep around me and I started having conversations with everyone. If people came over, everyone who knows us now will tell you. I try to avoid conversations that are not beneficial. We don't talk about other people, we don't talk about unnecessary things. We talk about conversations that's going to cause some form of self-improvement, because I'm a strong believer that once you work on the internal aspects of your life you who you are, finding your true, authentic self you naturally will attract the people that need to be in your community. To be honest with you, you have to be the energy that you want to attract. I say that all the time.

Sam:

I love that.

Ruth:

So, yeah, in addition to reflecting on who you feel like you can have deeper conversations with, also keep in mind the qualities and characteristics of those people. So, like I mentioned, you are who you surround yourself with, so you want to keep people around you that have something to offer Whether that's emotional intelligence or financial literacy or relationship advice but have people in your circle that will provide some form of information that will help you grow, or people who are a little bit more further than you are on a specific topic or thing that you're working on. So, in the case of vulnerability, what I did was I drew myself closer to those that were a little bit more vulnerable than me, because if you have problems with vulnerability and you got a friend or a family member who have problems with vulnerability and you guys trying to have these in-depth conversations, it will probably go nowhere most times. You want to be able to do that with someone who is a little bit more advanced than you on that topic, a little bit more emotionally mature. So I would say, definitely do that.

Ruth:

That's what worked for me personally and, of course, as mentioned before, you have to find a safe space. You have to make sure that the people that you are expressing things to are trustworthy people and also transparent people, because you don't want to just always vent, vent, vent, but you want people who are going to be honest with you. That's what I had to find. Don't just tell me the good things, but if I'm wrong about something, be bold enough and transparent with me to tell me exactly what that is or what I need to work on or where I'm wrong in a situation, or offer me some form of information that, again, is going to help me grow. So I would definitely say that Thank you for spending your time with us. We hope you gain some knowledge today that will promote poise in your life. Until next time, you can follow us on Instagram at NoirPoise to stay connected. That's N-O-I-R-P-O-I-S-E-D. We'd love to hear your feedback.

Sam:

And remember your wisdom is power. Than yo,

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